I finished two of these three. Bonus points to whoever guesses which one I couldn't slog through.
Let's start with the Anchor –or- Thing #1 I Don't Need to See in Comics Anymore
The Anchor is out of Boom Studios, and I'm enjoying most of the stuff they've put out, although it is of note that the Anchor is one of the titles not written by Mark Waid.
The art I like. It's not my favorite on the planet, but it's the same dude who does BPRD, and after reading a handful of those you start to appreciate it a little. He does great steampunk contraptions, good monsters, and although it has a cartoon-y element to it, his art has the range to do everything from humans to homunculi and to put them in the same room.
The problem I have with the Anchor is that it's a story about a guy who stands around at the gates of hell and keeps demons from escaping hell. They attack him over and over, and he single-handedly fights them all off.
Why demons are trying to escape hell is a little beyond me. I thought that was the place for them. Also, if demons are spending all their time trying to get out of hell, wouldn't that mean the humans sent to hell are just sort of wandering around, not getting tortured and shit? Maybe it's only the strongest demons sent to break out of hell, so all the humans are left with these half-assed, middle manager demons.
Anyway, while the Anchor is guarding hell, he's also on Earth fighting giant monsters. Whatever happens to the part of him that's in hell also happens to the Earth version, so if someone stabs him in hell a wound opens up in the Earth version's chest.
I know, Why?
Well because, dummy, when the Earth version is fighting an ice demon the version that's in hell can grab a demon, get attacked by hellfire, and then when the hellfire heats up the earth version's hands it'll be easy to kick the shit out of the ice demon. Naturally, this idea was brought on by Helpful But Fairly Powerless Human Sidekick (I might need to add a fourth thing I never need to see again).
The story is a little all over the place. You have Hell Anchor, Earth Anchor, some kind of demon rebellion, a ghost boy, a science lady, a general, all this stuff going on, plus getting slow pieces of the Anchor's backstory, which doesn't seem terribly important as I can't really imagine the relevance of a backstory that started and ended before the existence of hell.
Although it might be a stretch, I believe with all my heart that the problem can be traced back to Thing I Don't Need to See in Comics Anymore #1: Religious Stories.
Let me clarify this just a bit by saying that stories can have religion in them. I don't mind if Huntress is Catholic. I don't mind if Daredevil is...also Catholic. In fact, I don't care if they're all hugely Catholic. But Santeria, that crosses the line. You hear me, Spawn?
In all seriousness, religion isn't a big deal. The problem is that once you create a heaven and a hell in your universe, one that can be definitively proven to be real, you completely change the rules of your universe.
I don't care who you are, once a crazy demon man comes out of nowhere and starts fighting a gigantic ice monster, and once you have a hell of a lot of good reasons to believe him when he says he's from hell, your days of being a sassy, glasses-wearing scientist who hasn't been to church in a couple decades are over.
People, if hell is real, you are headed to a place that is going to be torture for all eternity. That's forever, for longer than you can possibly fathom. So why you wouldn't drop everything and devote your life to god at that point is beyond me.
It creates a character motivation problem, in short.
Secondly, when the Fantastic Four travel to heaven to get back the Thing, guess what? Nobody has to die anymore. Okay, we're talking about a universe where the record for most permanent death is given to Bucky, and only as an honorary title, but the idea that you can walk on over to heaven, pluck somebody out and come on back to fight the Mole Man feels a little pointless.
And again, once the Thing comes back, I think his days of banging blind babes out of wedlock are over, right?
Once a character or a group of characters prove the afterlife to be 100% certain, things on the entirety of the planet are different. That's a game-changer, friends.
My advice, stick to your Mephisto and your Black Racers. Maybe not as much your Black Racer, but you get the point.
Part 2: Namor: the first Mutant –or- Twilight, the Namor Files
I don't even really want to discuss this other than to say it's clear from page –1 (the page with the backstory) that this all involves vampires, both the regular and underwater variety.
Thing I Don't Need to See in Comics Anymore #2: Vampires
Enough, okay?
What is the fascination with these things? They're strong? They live forever? They are weaker depending on the light?
My question is, in a world where Wolverine is an actual guy, how amazing is a vampire, really? I find a short, hairy Canadian with retractable claws and a metal skeleton to be pretty goddamn fascinating, so to have guys who bite people and don't like the sun...well, the bloom is already off the rose there.
And even in this comic, this being made in the last few years, there's some stupid old woman who has to convince Namor that vampires are real, not just things of legend. What the fuck?!
Enough, okay? I fucking hate, absolutely hate that part of the movie where nobody in the movie seems to have heard of any sort of supernatural shit ever. It's like they all live in an alternate universe where Stephen King was wiped out by that van before he ever touched pen to paper. No, wait. It's not like they live in that world. It's like they want to convince me that I live in that world.
Writers, none of you are going to make me unsure about what's going on when I see a guy in moonlight biting a chick in a bustier. When a dude turns into a wolf and howls at the moon, I'm not going to be all that surprised. When your old buddy from works turns into a zombie, blow his head off or run away. Whatever you do, don't just stand there saying, "Todd....Todd....Todd....Todd...Are you alight, man?....Dude?.....
Readers have been introduced to these characters many, many times. So don't give me that shit where you don't believe in vampires. Just get that out of the way fast so we can do other shit.
Part #3: Superman Earth One –or- The Origin Or-Again
So it's a retelling of the Superman origin. Everything's basically the same, but Pa Kent is dead and Jimmy Olsen and Perry White have an argument about uploading 20 MB pictures and crashing a server, which I'm sure will hold up well with the slow pace of today's tech.
Here's the thing: Of the three, this one was not bad. It had some nice, tender moments. It had some heroic stuff. Basically, it had everything that a Superman fan is looking for in the story.
It also had the advantage of not being a typical DC story which seems to require 20 years of backstory running across various titles to understand. This would be a good jumping-on point for someone who'd never read a Superman comic before.
But guys, enough with the goddamn origin stories already. Seriously, enough. I just don't need it anymore. Even Irredeemable, published by the aforementioned Boom Studios, has a good deal of backstory, but you get it in pieces as the story progresses. In other words, the backstory matters, but it's not all of the substance.
I'm sure every writer and every artist wants to take a crack at the Batman origin. Who doesn't? If you did a look back at Batman comics and how many featured a splash page or a background piece with the words, "No matter how he tries, he'll never forget that night..." over the top, you might find more in your pile than out.
I'm just ready for new shit. Do a new Superman story or do an origin story for a new character, but let's not worry about making sure that Superman comes into a world where newspapers are a dying industry and Jimmy Olsen shoots on digital.
Let's start with the Anchor –or- Thing #1 I Don't Need to See in Comics Anymore
The Anchor is out of Boom Studios, and I'm enjoying most of the stuff they've put out, although it is of note that the Anchor is one of the titles not written by Mark Waid.
The art I like. It's not my favorite on the planet, but it's the same dude who does BPRD, and after reading a handful of those you start to appreciate it a little. He does great steampunk contraptions, good monsters, and although it has a cartoon-y element to it, his art has the range to do everything from humans to homunculi and to put them in the same room.
The problem I have with the Anchor is that it's a story about a guy who stands around at the gates of hell and keeps demons from escaping hell. They attack him over and over, and he single-handedly fights them all off.
Why demons are trying to escape hell is a little beyond me. I thought that was the place for them. Also, if demons are spending all their time trying to get out of hell, wouldn't that mean the humans sent to hell are just sort of wandering around, not getting tortured and shit? Maybe it's only the strongest demons sent to break out of hell, so all the humans are left with these half-assed, middle manager demons.
Anyway, while the Anchor is guarding hell, he's also on Earth fighting giant monsters. Whatever happens to the part of him that's in hell also happens to the Earth version, so if someone stabs him in hell a wound opens up in the Earth version's chest.
I know, Why?
Well because, dummy, when the Earth version is fighting an ice demon the version that's in hell can grab a demon, get attacked by hellfire, and then when the hellfire heats up the earth version's hands it'll be easy to kick the shit out of the ice demon. Naturally, this idea was brought on by Helpful But Fairly Powerless Human Sidekick (I might need to add a fourth thing I never need to see again).
The story is a little all over the place. You have Hell Anchor, Earth Anchor, some kind of demon rebellion, a ghost boy, a science lady, a general, all this stuff going on, plus getting slow pieces of the Anchor's backstory, which doesn't seem terribly important as I can't really imagine the relevance of a backstory that started and ended before the existence of hell.
Although it might be a stretch, I believe with all my heart that the problem can be traced back to Thing I Don't Need to See in Comics Anymore #1: Religious Stories.
Let me clarify this just a bit by saying that stories can have religion in them. I don't mind if Huntress is Catholic. I don't mind if Daredevil is...also Catholic. In fact, I don't care if they're all hugely Catholic. But Santeria, that crosses the line. You hear me, Spawn?
In all seriousness, religion isn't a big deal. The problem is that once you create a heaven and a hell in your universe, one that can be definitively proven to be real, you completely change the rules of your universe.
I don't care who you are, once a crazy demon man comes out of nowhere and starts fighting a gigantic ice monster, and once you have a hell of a lot of good reasons to believe him when he says he's from hell, your days of being a sassy, glasses-wearing scientist who hasn't been to church in a couple decades are over.
People, if hell is real, you are headed to a place that is going to be torture for all eternity. That's forever, for longer than you can possibly fathom. So why you wouldn't drop everything and devote your life to god at that point is beyond me.
It creates a character motivation problem, in short.
Secondly, when the Fantastic Four travel to heaven to get back the Thing, guess what? Nobody has to die anymore. Okay, we're talking about a universe where the record for most permanent death is given to Bucky, and only as an honorary title, but the idea that you can walk on over to heaven, pluck somebody out and come on back to fight the Mole Man feels a little pointless.
And again, once the Thing comes back, I think his days of banging blind babes out of wedlock are over, right?
Once a character or a group of characters prove the afterlife to be 100% certain, things on the entirety of the planet are different. That's a game-changer, friends.
My advice, stick to your Mephisto and your Black Racers. Maybe not as much your Black Racer, but you get the point.
Part 2: Namor: the first Mutant –or- Twilight, the Namor FilesI don't even really want to discuss this other than to say it's clear from page –1 (the page with the backstory) that this all involves vampires, both the regular and underwater variety.
Thing I Don't Need to See in Comics Anymore #2: Vampires
Enough, okay?
What is the fascination with these things? They're strong? They live forever? They are weaker depending on the light?
My question is, in a world where Wolverine is an actual guy, how amazing is a vampire, really? I find a short, hairy Canadian with retractable claws and a metal skeleton to be pretty goddamn fascinating, so to have guys who bite people and don't like the sun...well, the bloom is already off the rose there.
And even in this comic, this being made in the last few years, there's some stupid old woman who has to convince Namor that vampires are real, not just things of legend. What the fuck?!
Enough, okay? I fucking hate, absolutely hate that part of the movie where nobody in the movie seems to have heard of any sort of supernatural shit ever. It's like they all live in an alternate universe where Stephen King was wiped out by that van before he ever touched pen to paper. No, wait. It's not like they live in that world. It's like they want to convince me that I live in that world.
Writers, none of you are going to make me unsure about what's going on when I see a guy in moonlight biting a chick in a bustier. When a dude turns into a wolf and howls at the moon, I'm not going to be all that surprised. When your old buddy from works turns into a zombie, blow his head off or run away. Whatever you do, don't just stand there saying, "Todd....Todd....Todd....Todd...Are you alight, man?....Dude?.....
Readers have been introduced to these characters many, many times. So don't give me that shit where you don't believe in vampires. Just get that out of the way fast so we can do other shit.
Part #3: Superman Earth One –or- The Origin Or-AgainSo it's a retelling of the Superman origin. Everything's basically the same, but Pa Kent is dead and Jimmy Olsen and Perry White have an argument about uploading 20 MB pictures and crashing a server, which I'm sure will hold up well with the slow pace of today's tech.
Here's the thing: Of the three, this one was not bad. It had some nice, tender moments. It had some heroic stuff. Basically, it had everything that a Superman fan is looking for in the story.
It also had the advantage of not being a typical DC story which seems to require 20 years of backstory running across various titles to understand. This would be a good jumping-on point for someone who'd never read a Superman comic before.
But guys, enough with the goddamn origin stories already. Seriously, enough. I just don't need it anymore. Even Irredeemable, published by the aforementioned Boom Studios, has a good deal of backstory, but you get it in pieces as the story progresses. In other words, the backstory matters, but it's not all of the substance.
I'm sure every writer and every artist wants to take a crack at the Batman origin. Who doesn't? If you did a look back at Batman comics and how many featured a splash page or a background piece with the words, "No matter how he tries, he'll never forget that night..." over the top, you might find more in your pile than out.
I'm just ready for new shit. Do a new Superman story or do an origin story for a new character, but let's not worry about making sure that Superman comes into a world where newspapers are a dying industry and Jimmy Olsen shoots on digital.
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