DC and It's 52

By now everyone has heard that DC is relaunching 52 of its titles with new #1's in August.

I have mixed feelings.

52 of them, to be exact.

1. I can't help but think that DC is just plain out of goddamn ideas. Like when I would get really stuck in Nintendo and just hit the reset button out of anger rather than for the mystery of what might come.

2. Day-of distribution of digital versions is excellent and a necessary step, although I'm not really sure what it has to do with a reboot or why you aren't doing it already.

3. Is it just me or do almost all of these characters look the same with only the addition of a slightly higher collar, which I assume is for those little rank dots the Star Trek guys wore.

4. Jeff Lemire (who wrote the very cool Sweet Tooth) is the only reason I could possibly conceive of for being excited that there will be a new Frankenstein comic. So I guess we all lucked out on that one.

5. I'll save everyone the first 6 issues: Bruce Wayne's parents were shot, just like before, but his dad owned a smartphone at the time.

6. I still fail to understand how making a character gay, just deciding that he or she is now gay, is being considerate and helpful to the gay community. I feel like that's a fundamental misunderstanding of how homosexuality works and what the consequences are, good and bad (good: youp*** videos. bad: HGTV)

7. Is there anyone on the planet who can name 52 DC titles?

8. Better yet, is there anyone on the planet who can name 52 DC titles they would like to read?

9. The results for me personally: I'll read the best 3-5 from the 52 trades that come out.

10. I can't decide what's worse: re-reading an origin I've heard 4,000 times (Superman) or re-reading an origin I didn't give a shit about in the first place (Metamorpho).

11. For the love of god, can Catwoman finally have a gun?

12. I know I can't let it go, but why do we need a Frankenstein in a world where superpowered aliens protect our cities and write our newspapers? Isn't that enough?

13. Every comic book company does a relaunch of some kind when a new movie comes out to capture that movie audience (Green Lantern). Couldn't they just create a limited series that begins at number one, thereby capturing that audience while it's excited and dropping the series once the heat dies down?

14. So we get a new Jonah Hex series that's taking place in the past. Why, why, why does it have to take place in the old west version of Gotham? You're always doing this shit, trying to weave these little pointless connections.

15. See: Sgt. Rock, who is a modern soldier and (for no goddamn reason!) the grandson of the original Sgt. Rock.

16. Do we need a Batgirl AND a Batwoman?

17. If so, can we also get a Bat-Tween and BatBabyGirl?

18. So we've got Green Lantern, Green Lantern Corps, Green Lantern: the New Guardians, and Red Lanterns? Perfect. Because I wasn't getting enough of Guy Gardner, Kilowog, and...you know, those 40,000 other dudes.

19. You're canceling Northlanders and launching a new series with swords and knights and shit under a different title, author, and with no following? Dum-dums!

20. Etrigan the demon gets his own title? Legit? You'll have to excuse me, I think that's for shit.

21. I, Vampire, a book featuring topless vampire teens on the cover. Hooray. It's about time someone captured the market for lame vampire teen romance. How is it that vampires are immortal, yet they act like they're 12 when they fall in love?

22. So we're re-numbering Batman Inc. and then continuing the storyline currently in progress? Is there any context in which that makes sense?

23. Justice League International aka Justice League Cast-Offs + Batman. Not to get too geeky here, but if you have an international team, why would you include a member who can't fly, can't teleport, and basically can't ever be on scene? Oh, wait. Because nobody cares about Booster Gold.

24. Mr. Terrific.

25. DC Universe Presents? Presents what? You have 51 goddamn options, what could I possibly be interested in beyond that?

26. Two Legion books? So, according to my calculations...46,000 characters to not care about, and Brainiac 5.

27. Hawk and Dove is getting a relaunch, two characters that represent war and peace. Oh, and boredom.

28. Batman Beyond was a show I enjoyed at age 12. But again, can we just concentrate on having one good Batman title instead of 5 decent ones?

29. So Batgirl will be de-paralyzed. Here's to hoping that, much like Professor X, this is the beginning of a long career of paralyzing and de-paralyzing.

30. Batwing: the Batman of Africa. Why?

31. Batman of Africa + Judd Winick = 2 issues before we get an AIDs arc.

32. Grifter gets his own book as a wisecracking assassin. If only Marvel'd given Deadpool hair...

33. Gee, do you think the new Kid Flash will be A: Experienced, B: Methodical, or C: Impulsive?

34. Can we talk about Blackhawks?

35. I hate how these teams of soldiers are sort of like soldiers except they seem to be allowed to wear whatever they fuck they want, including red sunglasses, low-rise pants for bare midriff, pink sneakers, and an Irish newsboy hat.

36. There's one guy flying around in the background. How come they always have one guy (like Snakeyes) who has a stealth suit that nobody else seems interested in? If I was on a baseball team and one dude was wearing a hat that gave him powers, I would think we should all have access to these magic hats.

37. Good thing they have a tough red-headed guy who is probably not from America.

38. Deathstroke the Terminator is getting his own series. Should be interesting. Won't be, but should be.

39. Wait, Demon Knights is about the Demon leading knights...in Camelot? Why didn't you say so? I always say, "More Camelot Stuff!"

40. The main character in I, Vampire has to decide to potentially go against his own kind to save humanity. Vampire betrayal? That's a new one. Well, unless you count Blade, Underworld, Interview with a Vampire, Twilight, Buffy, Morbius....you know, stuff with vampires in it.

41. Does this Madame Xanadu wear rollerskates and exist in the era of disco?

42. According to my count, we have 11 Batman-y titles coming. 11. That's approximately 21% of the relaunch.

43. Batman and Robin will feature Bruce Wayne and his son. Nothing like keeping it in the family to squash those rumors about what Robin was doing in those tight pants.

44. Oh, wait...

45. Batman: the Dark Knight is at issue #2 and will be going back to issue #1? Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride to undo 2 issues of shit there.

46. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Digital comics will be priced at $2.99, same as the physical issues, for the first four months? I feel strongly that the give and take of e-comics is the lowered price making up for the fact that you won't own a physical, collectible object.

47. Also, lowering the price after four months shows just how hard you love squeezing people for cash before you're ready to lower it to a more reasonable price.

48. Oh, and don't forget the $4.99 poly-bagged version of JLA. According to my calculations, that means collectors can be sure to buy a regular edition plus two poly-bagged editions, one that they can keep in the bag and one that they can open to redeem the code for the digital download. So that's a good $18 for one issue. Nice one.

49. As nice as it is to relaunch a black character, Static is an electric guy. Not that exciting.

50. Also, I suspect that the "rumors" that Static's signature Malcolm X hat might be replaced by something that people would goddamn recognize will prove true.

51. I'm really up for trying new things. I really am. But this isn't trying anything new. This is redoing the same stories again and again.

52. I know this all sounds cynical. But overall, my feeling is that things are changing, but for all the hooplah they aren't changing enough. In fact, most characters seem to be "changing" to be more status quo than they were before.