Reasons You Should Not Give a Fuck That Superman Renounced His American Citizenship

Every so often the regular news starts paying attention to a comic book story arc. Usually this is the "Death of..." type of story. You know, Superman, Captain America, uh...Ch'p, the Green Lantern who was run over by a yellow truck.

Not to get too far off topic here, but if Green Lantern was a real guy don't you think we could all make an effort to reduce the amount of yellow on the planet? It seems that it would only take one school bus careening off a cliff before we all wised up and repainted shit, reserving a can of yellow spray paint in the basement just in case he went insane.

Anyway, I can't say exactly what it is that grabs people's attention. My guess is that DC hired someone who is good at giving blowjobs to people in charge of news outlets, because it sure as hell isn't the stories.

Recently, the big one everyone is talking about is the fact that Superman has renounced his American citizenship. This is idiotic, and here are a few reasons why:

1. This Entire Story is Based on a Misunderstanding.

The basis for this whole thing is that Superman was present at a protest in Tehran, which causes the Iranian government to think that the U.S. government sent him there. THEN, the U.S. government is pissed off for, apparently, the same reason. Finally, Superman says he's tired of people confusing his actions as being indicative of foreign policy, and so he's renouncing his citizenship.

Alright, this isn't goddamn Meet the Fokker 5. All you really have to do is explain yourself. Besides, who cares what the Iranian government thinks? Also, why would the government send Superman to a protest to stand around? Ooh, what a dangerous show of force. The whole premise could be solved by saying, "Oh, no. I just came because I wanted to." Idiots.

2. Is Superman Even American in the First Place?
Last time I checked, it doesn't really matter which country you belong to when you can be on the goddamn moon in 4 seconds. What are they going to do, stop him?

Clark Kent is American, I suppose. He must have a social security number and shit. But Superman is from Krypton. He's not even from goddamn Earth!

Let me put it this way: It doesn't seem to matter at all that Mike Myers is Canadian, so I think Superman being not American is pretty goddamn irrelevant.

3. There are multiple Superman stories featuring a superpowered dog who is his friend and wears a red cape.

I don't know how tight the connection is here, but somehow that takes away some of the story's punch.

4. Do the political views of someone who has no real frame of human reference even matter?

Politics are a fairly human endeavor. It would be like me getting really involved in dismantling the caste system in an ant hill. I get it, the idea is to humanize Superman. But maybe you'd have better luck involving him in human emotion as opposed to politics. People who are passionate about politics are people who I never want to end up next to at a party, and I damn sure don't want them in my comics.

5. It's really fucking annoying when comic books do this zeitgeist-y, news-attentive shit.

I really hate that crap. It works sometimes. Let's face it, how do you not write a 9/11 issue of Amazing Spider-Man? If you didn't it would be almost obvious in its attempt to pretend that it wasn't happening. But Tehran? C'mon. Sorry, but I don't read comics for a half-assed attempt to remind me that there are some shitty things going on. It doesn't have to be total escapism, but taking something going on currently and contorting it so that it fits a story where Superman makes an ultimately meaningless decision is pointless.

Plus, when you do this type of shit, you have to be either in or out of the pool. If Superman is existing in a world where there is a war going on in Iraq for a decade, why hasn't he done anything about it? Where is he when all these tsunamis an shit are going down? We've all heard the Phantom Zone excuse enough, alright?

6. Why is Superman calling a press conference?

Isn't that the kind of thing he should be trying to avoid? Isn't all that media shit what got him in so much trouble in the first place? And boy, nothing like a press conference to liven up a story. Press conference falls into that group of scenese that I never need to see again in media, along with courtroom, therapist's office, and skinny dipping in a lake.