Spider-Men

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Spider-Man. This last week has been all about Spider-Man.
In the last month or so I plowed through Amazing Spider-Man #539-#616. Especially important is the way this covers Brand New Day and where things have gone since. I already wrote a little about how it felt, but now I can be pretty certain.
I came across a 2008 issue of Wizard that had a few Spider-Man questions which were thrown to the fans. In light of the recent election, I thought it would be best to take a look at what they said, and as is practice with regular voting, explain why everyone is wrong.

1. “Brand New Day…Yea or Nay?”
74% say “Nay”

I couldn’t agree with this less. One More Day, okay, not the best. Brand New Day and beyond? Fantastic.

I’m not a fan of resets, especially resets within the continuity. For example, I prefer an Ultimates situation to a Heroes Reborn situation. But in this case, I don’t think there was much choice.

You have Civil War, the event that meant Spider-Man was unmasked, Captain America was dead, and that everything from Planet Hulk to World War Hulk happened. So you want to reset one of those things, but you don’t want to mess with the rest, and frankly shouldn’t.

I suppose you could leave it alone. But that’s just not going to work. Let’s face it, a married, employed, unmasked Spider-Man gets boring pretty quickly. It should be exciting because you should be wondering which of those damn rogues is coming after his family next, but you know it’s never going to happen. One time Mary Jane will beat the holy shit out of Dr. Octopus with a daytime soaps award, another time J. Jonah Jameson will be held hostage in a warehouse, and eventually you stop giving a shit.

So I think that the writers were in a tough position. We need to reset this one character, but we can’t reset anyone else.

While we’re talking reset, there’s another good aspect of the One More Day gambit.

Ultimate Spider-Man is fun, but good god, I do not need another origin issue. EVER. We all get it. It’s fun and everything, but the beauty of the reset is that you get to tell the Spider-Man stories you wanted to tell, not retell the old favorites with a modern twist. Call me a victim of the Veruca Salt “I want it now” generation, but the prospect of another arc where Spider-Man isn’t Spider-Man until three issues in feels exhausting.

With Brand New Day, Boom. We’re in mid (web) swing from the start. Peter Parker wakes up and we’re off.

You know what else we get once we’re there?
Before Brand New Day, I can’t remember the last time I read an issue of Spider-Man that was actually funny. I read a lot that were trying, but these are legitimately funny funnybooks.

Second, and it’s a sad statement that this is something worth mentioning, the rotating cast of writers and artists are not only working, but doing it without running out the clock. The goddamn thing isn’t late, which is something that you never used to say, then only used to say about some indie books (“Um, that Battle Chasers #10…the one that had 60,000 pre-orders…has that hit it’s ten-year not coming out anniversary yet?”), and then it even crept into your big-name books. Well, no more. They hit on a system that throws out the old argument of “Would you rather have it be good or have it now?”

I say screw fans. As we go through the rest of the poll, it’s clear that all they want is the same thing, no change. For example…


Should Spider-Man Be Married to Mary-Jane?
80% say Yes.

To be honest, I don’t have a strong stake in this one, and I’m kind of surprised it came out so lopsided. Why people are so concerned with this is beyond me. If it means a great story, sure. If not, then screw it. Just about any move you make in comics can be justified if the story was worth it. Christ, Swamp Thing is a plant man. That is no real story, but the writing makes it work. Same thing with this. If you have a compelling reason to have them married, I say go for it. BUT, if you don’t, having them married closes more roads than it opens.


Organic or Mechanical Web Shooters?
51% say organic.

If my history is right, then Thomas Jefferson shot Teddy Roosevelt in a hot tub duel and organic web shooters showed up in the Spider-Man movie. That was a good choice. As a non-fan of origins retold, having the webs just shoot out made sense and saved us a good twenty minutes of discussion, or three minutes of montage, that I didn’t need. It makes things more complicated when they really don’t need to be.

I think the web shooters in the comics are kind of fun. Gadgety. And it injects a little reality into the story when Peter Parker can’t afford web fluid. It actually gives him a reason to have a job, unlike the whole, “I work at a newspaper because…uh, well, I can wear a suit and glasses” thing.
I lean mechanical because of this: Not really interested in the Spider-Man 2 thing where his powers fade because he’s emotionally distressed. It feels a little forced, like when a character’s car breaks down and it starts to rain right then. Plus, just cheer the fuck up and don’t die. With mechanical, you run out of fluid, but it feels like floaty and nebulous.


What’s the better costume: Original Red-and-Blue or Black?
69% say Original Red-And-Blue.

The red and blue is classic. The black was cool too, but something that made the black cool and separated it from other superhero wardrobe changes is that it was actually a big story itself. It had real, tangible effects and continued to spawn further stories with Venom and so on.

The mistake that a lot of creators make with costume changes is that they say, “Check out this new costume. Now you know this character is badass right away.” Look, any pansy with $60 bucks can buy a leather jacket at Target. That doesn’t make you a badass, nor does it make you scary. Any outfit where I can see the outline of every nook and cranny is probably not badass, regardless of color.


Who Should Be Venom: Eddie Brock or Mac Gargan?
88% say Brock
This is a weird question. What’s the real difference? For those of you who are not Spider-Dorks, Gargan is formerly the Scorpion. You can pretty much imagine what that looks like. But as part of a deal where Norman Osborn has somehow taken over the U.S. and created an Avengers team from all the worst possible people you could consider for any job, Osborn made Gargan the new Venom.


Of course, because we can’t ever be rid of a character, Brock turned into Anti-Venom, who had the power to cure everyone of everything. So instead of fighting his own bad guys like, I don’t know, Swine Fu, he tries to cure Venom of his issues and Spider-Man of his irradiated spider blood.

So the real question here is, Would you rather have the annoying Anti-Venom or the anti-climactic Scorpion hanging around? I’ll take the Scorpion, even if he does have the least pointy tail of all scorpion time.

Who is Spider-Man’s True Love: Gwen Stacy or Mary Jane?
72% say Mary Jane.
Maybe one has the slight advantage of still being alive, but it’s kind of a no-brainer. No-spiner?


Should Aunt May Die?
68% say Yes.
Doy. That’s really all I have to say about that one. You know how I know? Because you never hear anyone say, “I really think we should add an old lady to this series. That would punch things up big time.”

Should Peter Parker Go Back to School and Get His Graduate Degree?
71% say Yes.

Who are you, his mom? I can see why you all want his aunt dead. That way there’s nobody standing in the way of you doing all that parental nagging. Why in the hell someone would care about this is totally beyond me. If I were Peter Parker, I might consider it. But if I was also Spider-Man, what the hell is the point? So that we can read more comics about a guy making excuses to ditch class and worry about studying for a test while he fights Stilt Man? Screw that. Not necessary.