B.P.R.D. (Bigger Possibilities, Readers' Delight)

Before we get started here, I'm going to say that I'll try to do my best to talk about this comic without spoiling anything. But frankly, the story is a little confusing at places, so there's a decent chance that I'll spoil something without even meaning to.
And by the way, fuck all of you with your spoiler alerts. People who should be using them don't, and the people who do use them a little TOO much. If you write a blog about Inception today, I'm going to assume that you are going to include spoilers as that's the only way to really discuss something beyond a review.

BPRD (and I'm not putting in the periods because between pushing SHIFT+B, the letting go of shift for the period, then shift and then a letter, I'm going to drive myself fucking insane. I guess it would have been easier and more professional to do it once and then copy and paste, and it would have been a hell of a lot less work than writing all this, but fuck it) is a Hellboy spin-off. Much like the way we got Joanie Loves Chachi from Happy Days, or PB Twix from Twix, Hellboy has spun off. What makes this spinoff a little different is that the only character from the Hellboy canon who doesn't appear in the spinoff is Hellboy. He does make brief appearances in flashbacks, but that's it. It's like he was having contractual issues, so they wrote him out of the book in order to acknowledge that he's gone.

Hellboy is kind of an enigma as characters go. In looking at the bibliography, he's clearly popular. But he hasn't starred in a hell of a lot of books. I'll take quality over quantity any day, don't get me wrong, but most of the really big comic characters are also the ones who've been around for a while, or else they pop up in damn near every book. Is there such a thing as a Marvel book in which Wolverine or Spider-Man doesn't stop by?
What it tells me is that Hellboy did some things right. Hellboy did some cool things, but I think that for as good as they were, BPRD does the good things better.

For example, BPRD delivers big time on great monsters that look like something Dali would have come up with had he stopped spending so much time on bizarre mustaches. Same thing with cool steampunk robots and shit.

It also forces the mixture of science and the occult. Because the BPRD is an entire organization, we see a lot more of the regular dudes who are trying to fight vampires with guns. It turns out that, though they are the central characters, the freak-o's in the BPRD only make up about 1% of the entire thing. The result is that you get a lot more everyman perspective on shit, which is a big plus and something that was missing from most but the first couple Hellboy issues.

While we're on the topic of characters, it's kind of nice to see main characters that all have clear flaws. Abe Sapien, fishman, is a little strong-headed and takes his work too seriously, sometimes at the expense of the emotional stability of the team. He's like a really successful businessman who gets shit done, but isn't so great with the interpersonal relationships. Johann, ghostman, has experiences so far outside the realm of normal understanding that things don't always make sense to him. And Liz, firelady, is all over the goddamn place.
A writer once said something like, "It's not important that you identify with characters so long as you sympathize with them." That's a lesson taken to heart in BPRD, and one that is sorely lacking in the world of comics where you see so many contrived plots and arcs that try so hard to remove characters from looking like the bad guy or having any real responsibility when shit goes bad.

There are a couple words of caution if you're thinking about reading this title.

One, I don't know how you could read this in small pieces. It begs to be read in large chunks, four or five trades at a time, because there are so many threads and characters that pop up form time to time. You won't be totally lost if you put it down for a while, but you'll be some lost, for sure.

Two, these trades run at eighteen bucks a pop, and they're skimpier than the average woman's bikini sold at your local Target. I could get fucking sponsors and just lay them in there if someone would just pay attention.
But seriously, I don't know how someone could afford to buy this whole series ongoing. It would be worth it in that you could do rereading, and I think they have pretty decent reread value. But just be warned that you're in for a big initial investment.

If you like Hellboy, read BPRD. If you don't like Hellboy because you find it a little confusing or spare, give this one a try. I'm telling you, this one is a different creature.

Comic Strips

This time, something a little different.

I can remember being a kid and skipping all the front page news (boring), business news (I checked my stocks online by the time I was nine, okay?) and sports (picture of a man in tight pinstriped pants throwing a ball towards another guy so that he could hit it, but just barely? No thanks) to get straight to the comics.

So what's in the comic pages today? I looked up a handful, then read short collections of each.

Cul de Sac by Richard Thompson

This strip is pretty good, compulsively readable. It's hard to make the comparison, but it's the closest thing we've had to a Calvin and Hobbes since Calvin stopped showing up in papers and started showing up on the back windows of cars that carry people who say things like, "Yew better watch what yew say about flannel."

The art is good, unique and scribbly without being messy. The different characters actually have different faces, which is something you don't see too much of. Even artists who work for the big publishers will draw about three different faces and call it a day, add a beard or a hat if necessary.

The main thing I could complain about is that it gets a little precious at times. It has realistic insights into the way kids act, but sometimes those don't kill me with laughter. That said, considering that they're looking for publication in major newspapers, who seem as prepared to take risks as I am on the dance floor after zero beers, it works.

Pearls Before Swine by Stephen Pastis

There are some things to like about this strip, for sure. It goes to much darker places than I've seen in many other strips, which is welcome and makes room for lots of jokes that might not have found a place in the papers before. The characters also drink beer from time to time, which is appreciated. Pastis is clearly making a strip that is designed to appeal to an older audience, which is not a bad idea.

Are kids even reading the comics pages? I mean, I did, but I couldn't type "Naked Woman" onto any type of machine as a kid and then just have one pop up in front of me. We had some time to kill.

There are two things I'm not so into in this strip. First, he likes to do the occasional strip that just sets up a very long pun. He usually reserves the last panel for a character to break the fourth wall and ask for the strip to end, but I don't care for pun humor more than once every never.

Second, there are these recurring crocodile characters that drive me insane. They talk in a patois that is not too hard to parse, but still pretty goddamn annoying. I get it. They're dumb. Just write in sloppier handwriting for all their dialogue and I'll make the connection. Of course, based on the internet searching, the crocs are very popular, much like their shitty shoe counterpart. So maybe it's partly the fault of the world, who are dumb. Dumb as hell.


Dilbert by Scott Adams

I think we all know about this one.

One thing that you can tell right away when reading this in a collection is that Adams recycled panels like a motherfucker. Even in these Sunday color strips, that picture of the building exterior shows up all the time. This isn't the transition back from a commercial to an episode of Family Matters where you can just show the same still picture of their house over and over, only changing near the holidays to show a string of lights.

The other thing you get a little too often is something that is accurate to a T, but doesn't make you laugh so much as feel depressed about your job. I can't recommend reading this one in the morning before going to work.





Foxtrot by Bill Amend
Um...well, you have a dad who is bad at grilling, a boy-crazy teenage daughter, a teenage son who eats a shitload, and a nerd boy. And a mom.

I don't know. Of the comics here, this one did the least for me. The jokes are pretty standard, transparent setup that ends in the expected joke.

It's totally something I would read when I was 8, but now I don't think I could justify it.

New Walking Dead Trade: My Greatest Fears

The new Walking Dead trade (#13) is coming out this week. Very exciting. Also, scary, and not because zombies might eat someone's flesh.

I'm a big fan of Walking Dead and have been for a while. Yes, that's right. I knew about it before the show, which means that I am superior to other fans in a very big, very important way that can be summed up as: First!

But anyway, when I get into something I get a little nervous when the new one comes out.

Let me talk about a couple other things that operated in a similar way for me.

In addition to being a fan of comics, I was also quite a fan of Battlestar Galactica. I know, that puts me in a very rare position. There must be less than a dozen people who enjoy both comic AND soap operas set in deep space which are scored by a man who goes by the name "Bear."

I was into those Battlestar seasons on DVD, big time. But in about the third, and especially the fourth season, the same thing kept happening. You'd get a great first couple episodes, then a whole bunch of episodes where fuck all happens, then a fucking great two episodes to end the season. You could choose to just say fuck it and not care, or you could watch a dozen hours of TV that didn't mean a thing just to get to the meaningful ones. This is why BSG season 4 sits on my shelf, unwatched except for the first disc.

Lost, same thing. Started strong, slowed down, then every season was a zero until the last two episodes. Again, I made it three season and one disc.

I'm starting to worry that Walking Dead is fucking me the same way. It may not be the same strap-on, but I recognize the thrusting style. Maybe I'm wrong, and the very last trade was pretty decent, building to an ending as opposed to saving up all the material for an ending. But still, very nervous.

Spider-Men

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Spider-Man. This last week has been all about Spider-Man.
In the last month or so I plowed through Amazing Spider-Man #539-#616. Especially important is the way this covers Brand New Day and where things have gone since. I already wrote a little about how it felt, but now I can be pretty certain.
I came across a 2008 issue of Wizard that had a few Spider-Man questions which were thrown to the fans. In light of the recent election, I thought it would be best to take a look at what they said, and as is practice with regular voting, explain why everyone is wrong.

1. “Brand New Day…Yea or Nay?”
74% say “Nay”

I couldn’t agree with this less. One More Day, okay, not the best. Brand New Day and beyond? Fantastic.

I’m not a fan of resets, especially resets within the continuity. For example, I prefer an Ultimates situation to a Heroes Reborn situation. But in this case, I don’t think there was much choice.

You have Civil War, the event that meant Spider-Man was unmasked, Captain America was dead, and that everything from Planet Hulk to World War Hulk happened. So you want to reset one of those things, but you don’t want to mess with the rest, and frankly shouldn’t.

I suppose you could leave it alone. But that’s just not going to work. Let’s face it, a married, employed, unmasked Spider-Man gets boring pretty quickly. It should be exciting because you should be wondering which of those damn rogues is coming after his family next, but you know it’s never going to happen. One time Mary Jane will beat the holy shit out of Dr. Octopus with a daytime soaps award, another time J. Jonah Jameson will be held hostage in a warehouse, and eventually you stop giving a shit.

So I think that the writers were in a tough position. We need to reset this one character, but we can’t reset anyone else.

While we’re talking reset, there’s another good aspect of the One More Day gambit.

Ultimate Spider-Man is fun, but good god, I do not need another origin issue. EVER. We all get it. It’s fun and everything, but the beauty of the reset is that you get to tell the Spider-Man stories you wanted to tell, not retell the old favorites with a modern twist. Call me a victim of the Veruca Salt “I want it now” generation, but the prospect of another arc where Spider-Man isn’t Spider-Man until three issues in feels exhausting.

With Brand New Day, Boom. We’re in mid (web) swing from the start. Peter Parker wakes up and we’re off.

You know what else we get once we’re there?
Before Brand New Day, I can’t remember the last time I read an issue of Spider-Man that was actually funny. I read a lot that were trying, but these are legitimately funny funnybooks.

Second, and it’s a sad statement that this is something worth mentioning, the rotating cast of writers and artists are not only working, but doing it without running out the clock. The goddamn thing isn’t late, which is something that you never used to say, then only used to say about some indie books (“Um, that Battle Chasers #10…the one that had 60,000 pre-orders…has that hit it’s ten-year not coming out anniversary yet?”), and then it even crept into your big-name books. Well, no more. They hit on a system that throws out the old argument of “Would you rather have it be good or have it now?”

I say screw fans. As we go through the rest of the poll, it’s clear that all they want is the same thing, no change. For example…


Should Spider-Man Be Married to Mary-Jane?
80% say Yes.

To be honest, I don’t have a strong stake in this one, and I’m kind of surprised it came out so lopsided. Why people are so concerned with this is beyond me. If it means a great story, sure. If not, then screw it. Just about any move you make in comics can be justified if the story was worth it. Christ, Swamp Thing is a plant man. That is no real story, but the writing makes it work. Same thing with this. If you have a compelling reason to have them married, I say go for it. BUT, if you don’t, having them married closes more roads than it opens.


Organic or Mechanical Web Shooters?
51% say organic.

If my history is right, then Thomas Jefferson shot Teddy Roosevelt in a hot tub duel and organic web shooters showed up in the Spider-Man movie. That was a good choice. As a non-fan of origins retold, having the webs just shoot out made sense and saved us a good twenty minutes of discussion, or three minutes of montage, that I didn’t need. It makes things more complicated when they really don’t need to be.

I think the web shooters in the comics are kind of fun. Gadgety. And it injects a little reality into the story when Peter Parker can’t afford web fluid. It actually gives him a reason to have a job, unlike the whole, “I work at a newspaper because…uh, well, I can wear a suit and glasses” thing.
I lean mechanical because of this: Not really interested in the Spider-Man 2 thing where his powers fade because he’s emotionally distressed. It feels a little forced, like when a character’s car breaks down and it starts to rain right then. Plus, just cheer the fuck up and don’t die. With mechanical, you run out of fluid, but it feels like floaty and nebulous.


What’s the better costume: Original Red-and-Blue or Black?
69% say Original Red-And-Blue.

The red and blue is classic. The black was cool too, but something that made the black cool and separated it from other superhero wardrobe changes is that it was actually a big story itself. It had real, tangible effects and continued to spawn further stories with Venom and so on.

The mistake that a lot of creators make with costume changes is that they say, “Check out this new costume. Now you know this character is badass right away.” Look, any pansy with $60 bucks can buy a leather jacket at Target. That doesn’t make you a badass, nor does it make you scary. Any outfit where I can see the outline of every nook and cranny is probably not badass, regardless of color.


Who Should Be Venom: Eddie Brock or Mac Gargan?
88% say Brock
This is a weird question. What’s the real difference? For those of you who are not Spider-Dorks, Gargan is formerly the Scorpion. You can pretty much imagine what that looks like. But as part of a deal where Norman Osborn has somehow taken over the U.S. and created an Avengers team from all the worst possible people you could consider for any job, Osborn made Gargan the new Venom.


Of course, because we can’t ever be rid of a character, Brock turned into Anti-Venom, who had the power to cure everyone of everything. So instead of fighting his own bad guys like, I don’t know, Swine Fu, he tries to cure Venom of his issues and Spider-Man of his irradiated spider blood.

So the real question here is, Would you rather have the annoying Anti-Venom or the anti-climactic Scorpion hanging around? I’ll take the Scorpion, even if he does have the least pointy tail of all scorpion time.

Who is Spider-Man’s True Love: Gwen Stacy or Mary Jane?
72% say Mary Jane.
Maybe one has the slight advantage of still being alive, but it’s kind of a no-brainer. No-spiner?


Should Aunt May Die?
68% say Yes.
Doy. That’s really all I have to say about that one. You know how I know? Because you never hear anyone say, “I really think we should add an old lady to this series. That would punch things up big time.”

Should Peter Parker Go Back to School and Get His Graduate Degree?
71% say Yes.

Who are you, his mom? I can see why you all want his aunt dead. That way there’s nobody standing in the way of you doing all that parental nagging. Why in the hell someone would care about this is totally beyond me. If I were Peter Parker, I might consider it. But if I was also Spider-Man, what the hell is the point? So that we can read more comics about a guy making excuses to ditch class and worry about studying for a test while he fights Stilt Man? Screw that. Not necessary.

Characters That Show Up in DC Comics That Make Me Say "Fuck.."

1. Metron
I don't really know who this asshole is, I don't really understand what a mother box does, and I can never remember if Big Barda is good or bad at any given time. All I know is that this asshole sits around in a chair, and whenever he shows up you better be ready for a time travel or interdimensional situation that is difficult to solve and always solved so completely that it is as though it never happened.
Whenever this guy shows up you know that someone's headed somewhere you don't give a fuck about.

2. Mr. MXKLDJSKD
I'm not typing his name as spelled because that is almost as much of a waste of time as writing a regular blog about comics.
This guy is so fucking annoying. Limitless power, and all that really stops him is saying his name backwards. Okay, how hard is it to not say your name backwards? I have not once said my name backwards, and that's with the knowledge that doing so will not send me into another dimension. What I'm saying is that I've never done it by chance, and that's considering the fact that I'm not actively trying to avoid it.
And Mr. M is god, for all intents and purposes. He can do anything. So why would you have Superman fight god? Leave that to the Savage Dragon.

3. Bizarro
Fuck Bizarro. The idea of a confused dolt with Superman's powers is good, but Bizarro is so obnoxious. Badbye, Superman. Superman am not worst hero. What the hell does that mean?
I'm not a grammar Nazi, but let me just examine something. Here's a Bizarro sentence pulled from the text:
"Then you not know what we must never do."
Sigh...so what they're going for here is
"Then you know what we must do.
But wouldn't the opposite be
"Then you know what we musn't always do?"
How come some shit is opposite and some isn't? Isn't Badhello the true opposite of Goodbye as opposed to Badbye? Or maybe it's even Hellobad. It's infuriating, and my recommendation is to skip every dialogue balloon that comes out of this motherfucker's mouth. Or better yet, skip every comic with his dumb fucking face on the cover.

4. Etrigan
Like Bizarro, could be alright, but the whole talking in rhymes thing gets really old, really fast. According to lore, demons at a certain level of demonness (who knew hell had an org chart?) talk in rhymes. Now that's frightenint, huh? Sort of like that one movie where Jason spoke only in limerick.
Can we get this guy graduated to non-rhyming demon level already? Or busted back down a notch? It's annoying, and anyone can do it.
Hey there Batman
I'm you're biggest fan
Let's punch these guys' heads
and take their street cred.

Okay?

5. Krypto
Every hero has some sort of regrettable sidekick. Sometimes it's a boy in short pants, sometimes it's a lesser hero, sometimes it's a boy in tights. But Superman has a dog.
What's really weird is that, as dogs go, Krypto is kind of an asshole. You know how you have that one friend, and his dog is a total dick but nobody wants to say anything? That's Krypto, man. He's unpleasant, and also he can bite you into a million pieces and what are they going to do? Put him in Space Pound?
Look, I don't find Garfield entertaining. And he's a pet who also think/talks, so I don't think Krypto is ever going to crack his way off this list.

6. Black Racer

Talk about your shitty incarnations of death. A black man in primary color knight's armor on skis. I feel chills. Only from the notebooks of Edgar Allen Poe could such terror arise.

What does he do with those ski poles, use them as scythes? Or are they just to help him corner tighter?

Any way you slice it, I can't get behind this dude.

Outsiders, not the Pony Boy Kind

This week is all about comics by people who aren't typically in the comics game. If this were the early 90's I would be reviewing rap albums by people outside of rap. Shaq "Diesel" for example, is not super entertaining. I would probably rather play Shaq Fu than listen to Shaq "Diesel" if that tells you anything.

Anyway, let's take a look at what happens when people spread their wings a little bit.

The Night Bookmobile by Audrey Niffenegger

You might recognize this author from her work on that book which later became a motion picture about a man who falls in love with his wife when she's a little girl. The Pedophile's Time Machine or something like that.

The story is about a lady who comes across a bookmobile a couple times throughout her life, and inside the bookmobile is every book she's ever read. Kind of a book nerd fantasy.

And that's about it. This thing clocks in at a weak 40 pages, so what do you expect? Some other stuff happens, but this is a review, not a summary.

What's really obnoxious is crap like the panels on the left. Read them. I'll wait.

See how it's broken up with no rhyme or reason? It's like a poem with random line breaks just shoved in wherever. It makes the rhythm really stumbly, and I hate it like poison. And the drawings remind me of those creepy PBS shows where it was some English guy narrating to stills, like a cartoon without animation. I hate that shit.

This is what happens when you have no editing. You make a so-so story that is overshadowed by strange art, bizarre format decisions, and no real audience. Who is this for? This isn't going to attract people who read comics, like me, and it's not a strong example of the format that's going to draw outside readers either. The thing reads much more like a picture book than a comic. I'm all for genre-bending. I think. Are "Male" and "Female" genres of people? If so, I am ALL for genre-bending. But it has to be done with purpose, and with the knowledge that you're trying to pull something off.

Batman: Cacophony

This is the first of a couple collaborative projects between Kevin Smith and longtime buddy Walt Flanagan.

Smith spends the first part of the intro mentioning the elephant in the room, the fact that he gave his best buddy a gig drawing Batman. It's a smart move because I'm sure it was what a lot of people were thinking. A less smart move was then telling readers that Cacophony was really a warm-up for their best Batman story, Widening Gyre. It's okay to like one of your works better than the other, but couldn't you have mentioned it in the intro to Gyre instead of the comic I'm holding in my hand? It's kind of fucked up to buy a product and then immediately be told it's an inferior specimen. Maybe it can be an afterword? I just wish I'd known that ahead of time because I would have waited on Gyre instead. Holding it in my hands, I felt like I was going to see a concert and the band said, "We're going to be good tonight, but tomorrow's show is going to be amazing."

Anyway, this is more to discuss Flanagan because Smith is not really a newcomer to comics.

First things first, it should be pointed out that Kevin Smith didn't just hand over Batman to his buddy. Flanagan has illustrated comics before, so it wasn't his first rodeo. They were indie books, but it's not quite the same thing as approaching a friend with no illustrating power and asking them to draw the fucking Dark Knight. I'd like to think that John Byrne and I have gotten very close over the years. We have lots of agreements on haircare for Hispanic women. But if he asked me to illustrate a new run of X-Men...well, I would cash the check, get some tracing paper, and screw everyone out of money hard. This would be a good time to remind everyone that I am not a good example of human morality.

The color schemes and layouts have a very retro, 1980's feel to them. Like the 80's, but not like something printed on paper recycled from old Happy Meal bags. Can you believe those assholes used to make a box and then switched to a bag? There is no such thing as a Happy Meal served in a goddamn bag, if you ask me.

It must be tough to illustrate a Kevin Smith story, just like it must be hard to shoot a Kevin Smith movie because the dialogue is heavier than the action. If you look at this panel, there's not a whole lot going on action-wise, but the art definitely keeps things moving along.

Honestly, I like Flanagan's Batman. His lower jaw is way more expressive than you see from a lazy artist. I know that sounds picky, but when you're drawing a guy with most of his face covered you don't have a lot to work with. If you look through the comic you'll see that the artist is working to get the most expression he can out of a chin, lips, and teeth. The body shape is pretty decent as well. Not too ripped, not too dumpy*. I'm a fan of cartoony drawing like Ed McGuinness, but I can live with the realistic stuff too.

I'd say the art isn't setting the world on fire or anything. Some of the action was a little rough, but the overall effect was good, and I don't think I would have given it a second thought had I not known that Flanagan and Smith were buddies, which is a weird way of complimenting someone, but so be it.

Flanagan is coming at the job as Smith's buddy, but also as a fan who knows a thing or two about layouts, design, and the difference between drawing Batman and drawing Batman comics. The real test of whether someone succeeded as a writer or an artist is whether you would read something by them again. And yes, I'd read another book he illustrated.

Wonder Woman by Jodi Picoult

Jodi Picoult, author of books such as My Sister's Keeper took the helm over at Wonder Woman. What separates this from the other titles on this list is the fact that they sort of just threw her into the middle of the run, so she had to pick up where someone else left off and leave off for someone else to pick up. On the plus, I can see the utility of giving an inexperienced comics writer somewhere to jump off from. If you didn't know much about Wonder Woman or comics in general, having a blank canvas dumped in your lap would be tough. On the other hand, having someone jump in the regular stream gives them quite the opportunity to dump on the canvas rather than having it dumped on them.

In the intro, the most memorable part was Picoult saying that DC denied her request to change Wonder Woman's costume because, as she put it, "Any woman knows it's impossible to fight in a bustier."

Any woman knows that? How? How many bustier fights does the average woman get in, and what is the URL for these? I'm with you, Jodi, and intend to do a full-scale experiment in the lab and get back to you.

It's a common thread, especially amongst critiques of lady superheroes. It might be true. Although I think it unnecessarily becomes a sort of attack against the "boys club" of comics. Yeah, it would be hard to fight in a bustier. But it would also be hard to fight in a cape, heavy bulletproof shit, or, I don't know, suit made entirely out of metal. And I can guarantee you that no man would wear briefs outside of his pants as a crime-fighting technique. The point being, let's not go changing a recognizable, iconic look for four issues of comics because you feel it's unrealistic. You know what else is unrealistic? A lasso that forces people to tell the truth. If someone told me that they saw two things, one of them being a woman fighting in a bustier and the other being a magic glowing rope that was placed around someone and forced them to tell the truth, I think one of those would be just a bit harder to believe.

Anyway, christ. The story was pretty meh. Though I don't know if she's really to blame for that because most of what was laid out was already there, and she left the goddamn thing on a cliffhanger, so she didn't even write a complete arc.

I would, however, like to nominate her for worst writing of Batman dialogue ever.

World's Greatest Detective indeed.

It's like on one shoulder I have Frank Miller telling me to be the Dark Knight. And on the other shoulder I have Joel Scuhmacher telling me that the Batsuit could use a little more glitter.

And do my eyes deceive me here or are we witnessing a Wolverine/Colossus Fastball Special? It sure looks like it. Although maybe not. Because the idea of the original was that Colossus, who was strong but couldn't fly, would throw Wolverine, who also could not fly but could fight, somewhere they couldn't reach. This version has someone who can fly and better fight throwing someone who can't fly or fight. I suppose that throwing live humans at your enemies is one way to slow them down, but it doesn't seem all that efficient.

Picoult also mentioned in her intro how she really wanted to leave her arc in a big cliffhanger. What a nice thing to do to the writer that follows you, leaving Wonder Woman moments from dying at her mother's hand. The next writer was so grateful that he completely ignored it and Wonder Woman isn't even in the same goddamn room as her mother in the next book's opening. Thanks to both of you for that one.

The arc didn't really do anything for me. Picoult did a few things that would probably be cute to non-readers of comics, such as showing Wonder Woman having trouble adjusting to normal life and having a horny sidekick. Unfortunately, she did them smack in the middle of comics. Why would Wonder Woman be in disguise as a government agent? The problem with comics outsiders writing comics is that they don't have a very good radar for what is and what isn't original. I don't put huge stake in originality, but combining a oddball love connection, mistrust of big-G Government, and a character undercover, you aren't really giving me a lot to bite into and make me excited for your next project.

JLA: Tornado's Path

This started out pretty great. You've got Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman in the Batcave going through pictures of DC heroes and deciding who is ready to be in the newest incarnation of the Justice League. A lot of times it feels like writers try to have a team come together by accident. An insane giant hamster attacks and the combined powers of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, a Flash, a Green Lantern, Aquaman when he's alive, and weird superheroes 1 & 2 make the perfect combo, which they then decide to continue. So the idea of a consciously created team was worth a few pages. Jesus, the Dallas Cowboys sped a little time consciously picking team members, so you would think that a team charged with protecting the universe could spare an afternoon.

You also get a little about the Red Tornado, aka DC's Vision. He's a man inside a robot body, and even when the body is destroyed he sort of magically comes back to life whenever his body is reassembled. But then he gets the opportunity to be put in a real body. Keep in mind that he does have human emotions, just not the same physical sensations.

For some reason people in comics always do this. They say, I'm powerful and immortal, but I think I would like to trade that all to be able to taste hot dogs. Okay, some human sensation is awesome, but a lot of it is overrated and a hearty portion is downright unpleasant. It's a tough call in an all or nothing situation, but maybe just stick with what you've got.

So he switches into a human body and we get a few pages of, "Even my wife's farts smell good to me because this is my first time smelling things." Great. Also, he still has his tornado powers, which makes no sense.

Then it turns out that it was all an evil plot to recreate Amazo...you know what, that doesn't matter. Some bad dudes tricked him into going into a human body, almost kill him, and then fail and things basically go back to normal.

The whole point of the story was that Red Tornado traded his immortality for a taste of human life...except then he didn't. Kind of a Fuck You to readers. You set up this whole situation, but then he gets to have his human body and eat with it too.

Started strong, ended weak.

Umbrella Academy by Gerard Way

You probably know Gerard Way as the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. What you may not know is that before he made his run at side-part fame, he graduated from the School of Visual Arts in New York City with the goal of creating comics.

Even so, when I heard he was coming out with his own comics I was ready to hate them. What the hell does he know? Isn't he just cashing in on his weird fan kids, expanding into another medium for no reason other than he can? The whole thing stank of a board meeting where a bunch of old assholes were trying to decide what's popular and than somehow jamming that into 20-some pages of panels. (See: Avril Lavigne's Make 5 Wishes)

How did he do?

Pretty damn good, to be honest. It's hard to say too much about it without talking plot spoilers, but it's got real comics appeal with a good cast of characters, interesting enough storyline, and writing that trusts the reader to follow along without being needlessly convoluded. The closest comparison I can make is maybe that it's like a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen that hasn't resorted to solving all its problems with ass rape.

Another point of interest is that Way originally wrote and drew the entire thing himself, but then Gabriel Ba was brought on board, recreating the original drawings in his style. This is a good lesson for Audrey Niffenegger, I think. Certainly Way was capable, but he made his product better by turning the reigns over to someone else.

The thing to take away from Umbrella Academy and the uniting thread seen here, is that people who come into comics with an interest in comics flourish while those who come at it as just another form of what they're already doing flounder. So if you're thinking about hiring a celebrity to guest on your funny books, take a moment to consider someone who knows what they're doing. Believe me, the novelty of a writer from outside the comics world wears off real quick.

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Superman: Last Son, Wrath of Gog, Brand New Day, and the Rise of Dumpy Spider-Man

Let me just start by saying that Blogger has the most annoying method of importing pictures of all time. If any nerds are out there that might be able to simplify this for me, I think you're totally right and that if you and that really hot babe had just spent a couple afternoons alone together she would have seen how special you are and dated you. Now help me with these pictures.

Here's the pile from this weekend:

Superman: Last Son.

So this is the return of General Zod and those weirdos who follow him around in the Phantom Zone(?) Negative zone? I can never remember which is which. It probably doesn't matter. No kind of zone is good to be in if you're an adult, whether it be Phantom, Negative, or Discovery.

So a shitload of prisoners from Krypton are all trapped in this zone, but then they get free and start attacking earth. Luckily, Lex Luthor and Parasite and a couple other assholes are there to help Superman.

This brings up that annoying thing they deal with in comics a lot. How is it that Lex Luthor can put down a couple dozen Kryptonians, but not one Superman over a period of 60 years? It doesn't really make sense.

But rather than harp on that, I would like to take this moment to point out that I have had what some people would call "sex" before.

Superman: Wrath of Gog

The thing that surprised me is that Gog wasn't interesting at all. Okay, that wasn't a surprise. Some guy in a horn hat? Give me a break.

The surprise came that Lana Lang, long time Betty to Lois Lane's Veronica, bascially professed her undying love for Superman, but couched it in a way that made sense. She admitted she was into him, but also said she never does anything inappropriate or makes any moves on him or anything like that. She was kind of like me with every girl I knew as a friend. The word "friend" in high school had a different definition to me: Girl I would orbit until such time that I might be able to date her or was shut down with no possibility of comeback.

That Betty/Veronica is a classic thing, but I never really got it. They appear to be the same woman with different colors of hair. What the hell is the difference? Somehow I feel that Veronica is sluttier, but I don't know how I would have gotten that impression having never read an Archie comic. Probably from my bad childhood and experiences with women which have forever colored my opinions of the opposite sex, colored them dark black.

Spider-Man: Back in Black

So the Kingpin hires some dude to kill Aunt May because everyone knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Then Spider-Man goes apeshit, which was great. There's something very satisfying about the Kingpin getting a beatdown.

Spider-Man puts on the black costume again. He says he put it away before because it sent the wrong message. I don't always have my comic book facts straight, but I thought he put it away because the black costume was an alien that was eating his brain. Maybe that was the wrong message? That a suit that eats your brain is cool?

Anyway, he beats the shit out of the Kingpin, which was cool, but then the story devolves into some bizarre shit with an Uncle Ben from the future who killed some bum and then turns out to not really be Uncle Ben but get his just desserts thanks to a helmet left behind by the Spider-Man of 2211. Which is lucky because solving this insane puzzle is key to saving Sandman's dad from getting the chair, for some reason.

I don't have much to say about it. The first half was great, and the second half, well, it made me feel like the coming reboot might be necessary. Uncle Ben from the future? C'mon. And if Spider-Man of 2211 has a magic helmet that can teleport and shit, why wouldn't he have just done that right away? He might be two-hundred years more advanced, but he's also two-hundred years more of an asshole.

Spider-Man: One More Day

Okay, for those who don't know...I don't know why you're even following this. But real quick: Spider-Man's precious Aunt May has been shot. She will die. But then the devil offers Spider-Man and his wife Mary Jane a deal: He will basically reboot time so that May is fine and Spider-Man's identity is again a secret, but the cost is that Peter and Mary Jane's relationship will be completely dissolved. They will have no memory of this relationship, but they will feel a distinct sense of loss.

That devil is a real asshole, huh?

This reboot has gotten heat, and I can see why. It's kind of dumb. Once you start making deals with the devil, what's the point of anything? Death has never had a lot of meaning in the world of comics, but when you can bargain with the devil the game changes quite a bit. Why wouldn't the devil bargain with the Kingpin to help him make Daredevil's life miserable? Or for hair? It kind of fucks with the system.

Also, Aunt May just needs to die. Seriously, enough already. She's like 400.

On the other hand, they had to do something. When Peter Parker unmasked himself to the entire Marvel Universe, part of the fun was wondering how they were going to write themselves out of this one.

I like the idea of setting up the storyline to be something fresh. That makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is writing out of it by bringing in the devil. Joe Q, Editor-in-Chief over at Marvel, said, "It's very easy to unmarry a character or fix something...you just do a huge universal retcon, and say a few events in history didn't happen. But that's really not the way we do it here at Marvel."

Oh really!? That quote sent my nerd siren off harder than a girl telling me she's really good at video games. (Sorry, ladies. Please see above. Send the angry emails to my father.)

What about the Ultimate line? Marvel Knights? How many X-Men reboots have there been? Writing yourself out is an option, but when we get it we still have four or five shitty issues to plow through that serve only the purpose of hitting the reset button. It would be like playing a video game and every time you wanted to reset you first had to play a really shitty bonus level.

I've never been a big continuity guy. One of my favorite old series was Untold Tales of Spider-Man which is exactly what it sounded like. The series stood on its own, and you didn't have fifty years of backlog to contend with, so the basic concept of Spider-Man was there but without all the baggage. Perfect for the casual comics reader who just wants to take a dump and read about some guy in a web costume.

So, did the Brand New Day idea work? Yes and No.

Yes, I like the place it took us to. I like J. Jonah Jameson having the Bugle sold out from under him. That's one of the more entertaining and realistic Bugle side stories we've had in a while. Yes, there is an appeal to a Spider-Man who can't afford to whip up a batch of webbing for a couple weeks. Overall, yes, I like where we were at the end of One More Day and going into Brand New Day.

But the No, the big No, is how we got there.

One More Day was the end of J. Michael Stracysinski's run on Spider-Man. It was a good run. The stories were definitely out there, but I think he was less afraid of pushing those buttons than a lot of other writers. He was more concerned with writing something good this month than what it meant for the stories from 1986, so I can respect that. He tried some shit, and some of it worked. That's good enough.

Oh, and dumpy Spider-Man was pretty much the best part of the entire weekend.

Anyway, that's about all for this week. Tune in next week when I'll have another batch, plus a special feature on writers and artists who came to comics from other professions.

Until then, enjoy Dumpy Spider-Man.

Weekend Reads: Invincible, Blackest Night, Blue Beetle, Coming of Atlas, Earth X, the Helm

What a productive weekend of reading comics.

An ESL expert once told me that she learned English through recipes. After the Fish Head in Brownies incident, I've decided that both Spanish and Baking are not for me. But sometimes it helps to think of things in terms of recipes.

Recipe for a Weekend of Reading Comics

Ingredients:
-free time

-no real desire to sleep

-complete sickness of playing Zelda emulator because I can't find the damn stupid ladder.

Steps:
-Make coffee 4,700 times.

-Get big stack of comics from the library.

So let's take a look at what I "did" this weekend:

Invincible vols. 3, 4 & 5.

This series kicks ass. It's like all the fun you expect from Superman, but without all the baggage like him working at the Daily Planet for some dumb reason, or him getting folksy wisdom from his Pa who is quick with a kind word and always has a pair of overalls handy.

The best thing about these books, like most of Kirkman's stuff, is that it has momentum. When a big-name book like Batman changes its game, it's a whole big production. But things in Invincible change so fast that you won't be flipping through, deciding whether you give a shit.

Oh, and there's blood. Superman punches the shit out of people, but not much blood. Characters in Invincible seem almost full to bursting with blood that's just waiting to get punched out of their heads.

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Up next we've got Green Lantern: Blackest Night.

This is probably my own fault, but whenever I get involved in a big DC crossover book, I don't know what the fuck is going on. Who are these people? Since when is Firestorm a combination between a black kid and an Asian girl who might be getting married? Not to get too far off track, but if you happen to be one part of a two-part superhero thing, where you combine with another person and occupy the same body, you should probably consider yourself a little beyond the point of marriage. I don't like sharing a twin bed, let alone lungs and shit.

I could use a little background, but the little page of info always starts with something like, "When Hal Jordan crashed an experimental jet.." but then the convoulded, confusing-as-hell last two years of his life are summed up in one sentence. Have you ever tried to write a sentence that explains that someone became a villian, saved the world when the sun almost died, died, came back as a different superhero, then turned back into himself? And that's the one dude. What about Flash? How many goddamn Flashes are there? Can't they just race and then pick the real Flash based on the winner?

The other thing about these DC crossovers is that the stakes are high, the end of the universe or not. And it's always not, but with an asterisk. Sort of like,

"We saved the world*"
*"world" meaning THIS world

or

"Batman is back from the dead*"
*but it's not really Batman, just his bones reanimated with none of his personality.

Anyway, if you're a hardcore DC fan, I guess maybe this would be exciting, what with all different sorts of power rings of different colors. Kind of a Captain Planet thing going on. This was also the introduction of Larfleeze, the guy who holds the orange power ring. Real fucking annoying. All this guy does is try to claim everything for himself. Why the hell would you need this guy? I get the red rings, the ones that make people violent as hell. At least they get something done. But this dude is basically Golem crossed with JarJar and throw in some of those damn seagulls from Finding Nemo that everyone loved so damn much. Fuck this guy.

Next, Blue Beetle: Shellshocked.

Didn't even finish.

Enough with the weird origin stories already. How come these dopes get powers and then refuse to accept it all the time? Have they not seen Spider-Man one two OR three?

Everyone out there do me a favor: If you get superpowers, just accept it and start doing cool shit immediately. Don't make me wait while you reconcile it in your mind. You do that on your own time, dammit.

Earth X.

I picked this one up because I remember it being such a huge deal when I was younger, the next big thing from Alex Ross.

After reading one issue I remembered why I didn't read this for free while sitting in Borders years ago.

So the story is basically about x-51, who is a robot. He finds himself walking around on the moon, until he stumbles on the Watcher's house (why does this bald asshole have a house?). The Watcher explains that he is blind and that he needs X-51 to be the new watcher of this Earth, which is like ours except TOTALLY DIFFERENT! Black is white, Luke Cage is still black, and Thor is a chick, and so is Spider-Man, sort of, but Ben Grimm is the same. It's confusing.

Anyway, the damn story is so confusing to me that I don't know how anyone got into it. Worse yet, each issue ends with an "Appendix" which is dialogue between the Watcher and X-51 written in script format. What, did they get too lazy to actually draw the panels? Isn't that kind of the point of comics? As if that's not bad enough, the format of the Appendices is bizarre. The whole thing is dialogue with no tags, so it takes half a damn page to figure out who's saying what. You couldn't have made the words different colors? And within the appendices there will be sections, and the section titles will be something like "Ben Grimm" or "Captain America." But under the heading "Captain America" you might find something like, "I don't get it. Doesn't being morally right mean that you're doing the best thing for people?" They don't even mention goddamn Captain America.

Back to the library this goes. I don't want to say I quit forever. It could always happen that a nuclear bomb explodes but I'm safe in a bank vault and have all the time in the world to read comics. Even then, MAYBE.




The Helm.

The first couple pages of this are rough. It looks like it's going to be another fanboy-bashing fantasy book. But it turns out to be alright. This dude finds a magical helm (hat) that helps him fight monsters and shit. The concept works for the most part, although after finding a huge treasure house I'm not sure why the guy would cash in a bunch of the gold in order to pay rent to his mother as opposed to buying his own mansion. But maybe that's being realistic in a world with talking hats, so I'll let it go.

I don't really give a shit about Atlas, and the including of old issues at the end is something I hate. To be honest, I don't even know if the "old" issues at the end of this collection were real or new fake ones made to look old because people think that's cute. Either way, stop it.

The thing you don't expect about this one is that Superman's dog, Krypto, kicks Atlas' ass.

Okay, fine.

Superman gives this strange speech at the end where he explains to Metropolis that Krypto is Metropolis' dog, and he's a good dog.

Somehow, writing this has blown my emotions in a way that reading it didn't. Go figure.

The real question, after reading this, is whether Krpyto can kick Superman's ass. Atlas beats the hell out of Superman, Krypto beats up Atlas, so isn't there some mathematical law that says Krypto can therefore beat up Superman? I'm a failure at math almost as much as I am at sex, but I'm pretty sure about that one.

If that's true, I rest assured knowing that Batman probably has a secret garbage can with Kryptonite rib bones in it or something, just in case Krypto needs to go down because he keeps biting Lois or gets super doggie hid dysplasia.

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That's about all for this weekend. See you soon!