Unfortunate Timing

I was playing the Captain America and the Avengers game the other day, and I noticed something a little strange. Iron Man looks fine. I always thought Captain America's boots were a little pirate-y for my liking, but whatever. Hawkeye looked as good as possible considering that his costume is purple and triangular-faced.

But Vision. What the fuck is this? This is not the Vision I'm accustomed to .


THAT'S the Vision I remember, the one who was Christmas-colored and banging the Scarlet Witch for some reason (BTW, we need to discuss her taste in men. An android, another android based on the first android, and a weird "keep it in the family" thing with her brother, who bares an unmistakable resemblance to her father).

This shit happens all the time.

Look at Wolverine in the X-Men arcade game:


That was a quality getup. It was kind of like his previous look, but someone decided to add in the sort of "diarrhea-y" quality that has always been an essential part of the character.

And this one kills me:


Some of my favorite JLA books occurred during the unfortunate period when Superman was like this. I distinctly remember him being able to read the information on a CD with his eyes, which was cool, but not as cool as, I don't know, shooting lasers from his eyes or being stronger than anything that ever existed.

It's kind of unfortunate when these costume changes happen right around the time a game is developed or a statue is molded or anything like that. It's kind of like taking your kid on vacation during his unfortunate, sulky, teenage period where his fashion choices are mostly about reminding you that he does not want to be involved in any of this in any way.

Just as a plea to makers of comics, try and time this shit so we can get the good versions of our superheroes we all love in the games that are going to haunt arcades for the rest of our lives. It kills the buzz a little when I'm drunkenly feeding quarters into an X-Men machine at an arcade in the movie theater, knowing that I'm missing the previews that come before whatever shit pile I've been tricked into seeing, and thinking how the diarrhea version of Wolverine should only cost 24-cents to play.

DC Comics Read Posters

We just got a catalogue featuring a number of different DC Comics characters reading. You know, to serve as good examples for the kids.

Oh really?

Ah, here's Batman in the most unsafe reading situation of all time. Really, one-handed holding onto a skyscraper while leaning out over the edge to read a book? I feel like the Joker himself would scoff at the very idea of it. I mean, come on. Batman is supposed to be smart. Nobody got smart by reading books while being precariously perched 1 million miles over Gotham's streets.

And where is he carrying this book while he fights crime? Is this why one would wear underwear outside the pants, so you could shove a book into the waistband?

But hey, no worries. Superman, the world's boy scout will save the day!

Why? Why is Superman reading in space?

Okay, I don't want to kill Superman's buzz and all, but I honestly have to say, Superman does not have time to read. What possible benefit would Superman gain from reading that would outweigh his ability to end any sort of physical conflict, probably just by showing up? This is a horrible thing for me to say, but isn't it kind of irresponsible for Superman to be reading? I think I would be upset if my grandmother fell in the sewer while Superman was seeing what all this Girl with the Dragon Tattoo business was about.

Wonder Woman. Okay, though not appropriately attired for a nice afternoon read, at least she's in a reasonable environment. In the sun, reclined, petting a...kangaroo(?)

This kangaroo thing was extremely confusing to me. But I guess they are legitimate animals from Wonder Women past:

And, excuse me. This is not a kangaroo. It is a Kanga. Because nobody would believe a kangaroo would fly in space.

It occurs to me, between these three characters, that superheroes probably don't have a lot of time to read. I guess you should probably get your reading done when you're a skinny nerd, before the serums or alien abilities or feelings of revenge over the death of a parent or parents kicks in.