Unfortunate Timing

I was playing the Captain America and the Avengers game the other day, and I noticed something a little strange. Iron Man looks fine. I always thought Captain America's boots were a little pirate-y for my liking, but whatever. Hawkeye looked as good as possible considering that his costume is purple and triangular-faced.

But Vision. What the fuck is this? This is not the Vision I'm accustomed to .


THAT'S the Vision I remember, the one who was Christmas-colored and banging the Scarlet Witch for some reason (BTW, we need to discuss her taste in men. An android, another android based on the first android, and a weird "keep it in the family" thing with her brother, who bares an unmistakable resemblance to her father).

This shit happens all the time.

Look at Wolverine in the X-Men arcade game:


That was a quality getup. It was kind of like his previous look, but someone decided to add in the sort of "diarrhea-y" quality that has always been an essential part of the character.

And this one kills me:


Some of my favorite JLA books occurred during the unfortunate period when Superman was like this. I distinctly remember him being able to read the information on a CD with his eyes, which was cool, but not as cool as, I don't know, shooting lasers from his eyes or being stronger than anything that ever existed.

It's kind of unfortunate when these costume changes happen right around the time a game is developed or a statue is molded or anything like that. It's kind of like taking your kid on vacation during his unfortunate, sulky, teenage period where his fashion choices are mostly about reminding you that he does not want to be involved in any of this in any way.

Just as a plea to makers of comics, try and time this shit so we can get the good versions of our superheroes we all love in the games that are going to haunt arcades for the rest of our lives. It kills the buzz a little when I'm drunkenly feeding quarters into an X-Men machine at an arcade in the movie theater, knowing that I'm missing the previews that come before whatever shit pile I've been tricked into seeing, and thinking how the diarrhea version of Wolverine should only cost 24-cents to play.

DC Comics Read Posters

We just got a catalogue featuring a number of different DC Comics characters reading. You know, to serve as good examples for the kids.

Oh really?

Ah, here's Batman in the most unsafe reading situation of all time. Really, one-handed holding onto a skyscraper while leaning out over the edge to read a book? I feel like the Joker himself would scoff at the very idea of it. I mean, come on. Batman is supposed to be smart. Nobody got smart by reading books while being precariously perched 1 million miles over Gotham's streets.

And where is he carrying this book while he fights crime? Is this why one would wear underwear outside the pants, so you could shove a book into the waistband?

But hey, no worries. Superman, the world's boy scout will save the day!

Why? Why is Superman reading in space?

Okay, I don't want to kill Superman's buzz and all, but I honestly have to say, Superman does not have time to read. What possible benefit would Superman gain from reading that would outweigh his ability to end any sort of physical conflict, probably just by showing up? This is a horrible thing for me to say, but isn't it kind of irresponsible for Superman to be reading? I think I would be upset if my grandmother fell in the sewer while Superman was seeing what all this Girl with the Dragon Tattoo business was about.

Wonder Woman. Okay, though not appropriately attired for a nice afternoon read, at least she's in a reasonable environment. In the sun, reclined, petting a...kangaroo(?)

This kangaroo thing was extremely confusing to me. But I guess they are legitimate animals from Wonder Women past:

And, excuse me. This is not a kangaroo. It is a Kanga. Because nobody would believe a kangaroo would fly in space.

It occurs to me, between these three characters, that superheroes probably don't have a lot of time to read. I guess you should probably get your reading done when you're a skinny nerd, before the serums or alien abilities or feelings of revenge over the death of a parent or parents kicks in.

DC's 52

So I read this ENTIRE volume.

Let me first review it as an object:

This thing weighs almost eight pounds. That doesn't sound that heavy, but believe me, it makes reading on the dumper almost impossible. 8 pounds would be a large-ish baby. Imagine taking a baby, cracking it in half, then holding one half in each hand for a half hour. You'd get tired.

It was also so thick, it was unreadable at places because the crease was just so deep. Penis joke/vagina joke.

Okay, so now onto the comics. What I decided to to was Tweet reviews because that would keep them short. Even a mere 100 words on each would be...100...500...many, many words beyond the interest level of any human. So here, reproduced are all 52 Tweets. But before we get to that, I do want to say that the one disappointing thing to me was that this whole thing was about DC relaunching everything from #1. I thought, Finally, I can maybe understand what's going on in DC. But this isn't true. They did relaunch SOME books, but the Batman books and Green Lantern books, which were selling alright before the relaunch, were clearly in media res (Latin for, Impenetrable to Peter). That pissed me off just a bit. It doesn't show a lot of faith in the project of a relaunch to say, Let's relaunch ALL of our titles...except the few good ones. Also, I feel obligated to point out that the Bat books and GL books account for somewhere around 20% of the universe? Subtract books that take place in alternate time periods or that have no involvement with the larger universe, and it's a little bit of a pathetic total relaunch.

Okay, enough bitching. Now onto short-form bitching:

I feel like I suddenly know too much about catwoman's bra preferences #dc52

Justice league: a batman/greenlantern teamup feels like a teamup between a ninja version muhammad ali and merlin. #dc52

Justice league international: how is the worldwide version always inferior to the america version? #dc52

You know what I always hated about aquaman? He let's everyone give him shit for being a nobody even though HE'S aquaman #dc52

Why is wonder woman always taking time off from being a powerful, beautiful amazon to be a...powerful, beautiful amazon of business? #dc52

Flash actually seems to be going somewhere with this detective-y angle. Don't tell batman #dc52

At first I thought I wouldn't care about a hero with inexplicable science powers. I'd like to thank captain atom for confirming this #dc52

There's a white firestorm and a black one? How will they get along? I mean, the being engulfed in flames negates skin color, but still #dc52

I've yet to understand why Green Arrow gets gigs while Purple Two Handguns is still out of work #dc52

Hawkman is so self-involved. Not sure if that's a hawk thing or a man thing. But it's definitely an annoying thing #dc52

Mister terrific has the words Fair Play tattooed on his arms. Or maybe it's Play Fair. He might be a lefty. #dc52

I don't know what's going on with Deadman. Or why he's dressed like Freddy Mercury without hair, facial or head #dc52

Classic cop mistake in Action Comics: quit trying to use electric nets to trap superman. You gave it your best, it don't work, move on #dc52

Clark Kent and Larry David: same glasses #dc52

Why does every scientist make a clone and then completely 180 and want to kill it? Maybe wait a day, see what happens #superboy #dc52

The best thing about supergirl being fiction is we don't have to hear a million Behar jokes involving thigh comparison on the View #dc52

Batman was good. Although relaunched with three robins, one of whom is his son. When I "relaunch" at 41 my son will be in the dust #dc52

I guess I thought Detective Comics were about detectives, not FOR them #dc52

Single panel in Batwoman: werewolf, plane crash, octopus man choking a bald woman, and an insane lady shooting guns. Uh. #dc52

Dark Knight is the second of three Batman titles involving Bruce Wayne giving a speech at a fancy dinner event. What the fuck. #dc52

So in Batman and Robin there is a cadre of Batmen? Being dipped in acid? Is it too late to sign on for Batmen International? #dc52

How did Batgirl get unparalyzed? "Then a miracle happened." Phew. For a second I thought we were written into a corner. #dc52

Batwing stabbed in the chest? Fine. Not that I dislike AfricaBatman. I just hate the aesthetics of machine guns mounted in a truck bed #dc52

Can nightwing stop pining over the circus already? The food sucks and clowns only make balloon animals to trick children into fondles #dc52

Red Hood and the Outlaws: awesome band name. Nobody steal that. I stole it first. Hence the outlaw thing. #dc52

Green Lantern starts off pretty good. I mean, not really a reboot, but at least killing Ganthet means his ponytail also dies #dc52

If Green Lantern Corps poses that Guy Gardner can't even get a h.s. football coach job, what the hell is going to do with that haircut?#dc52

I'm glad GreenLanternNewGuardians has such a long name. It limits my ability to tweeticize it #dc52

Am I the lone soul who thinks an all-white Justice League Dark is a missed opportunity to embrace the current blaxploitation revival? #dc52

I liked Swamp Thing better when he was an action figure with extending arm powers as opposed to nightmare sequence powers #dc52

Animal Man and Jeff Lemire equals about time. And zombie kitties. #dc52

Frankenstein, a mummy, a vampire, a werewolf, and a fishwoman walk into a fight. And that's a comic book you can buy #dc52

Before I, Vampire I didn't see how badly I longed for Kris Kristofferson to explain all the vampire shit in that crusty way of his #dc52

Killing Resurrection Man is sort of like building a fort from couch cushions to thwart Couch Fort Pusher-Downer Man #dc52

At least Demon Knights had the grossest possessed baby ever #dc52



Haha, wait that's my...oh never mind #dc52


Should have been Birds of PrAy. Capture the jesus people that way. Or at least someone. #dc52

Red Lanterns: blood cat in space #dc52

Grifter blocking knives with an airline food tray teaches that full meals exist on planes and that the spilled food wouldn't burn flesh #dc52

How long can Deathstroke go before someone ends an issue by holding up a picture OF him, TO him and says, I need you to kill this man #dc52

Suicide Squad is like mission impossible 2: I know it's stupid, but not so stupid that I'm proud of how much I enjoyed it #dc52

Voodoo perpetuates bad stereotypes about strippers. Mainly that they are aliens who felt this was the best way to learn #dc52

The fact that OMAC stands for Office Management Amidst Chaos has blown 78 of my 92 emotions. Not all, but definitely most #dc52

Jonah hex is awesome, even if he's a stars n bars guy #dc52

Blackhawks has taught me something: in comics, redheads like guys with glasses. Peterparker/maryjane. Cyclops/jeangray. It goes on #dc52

After Men of War I'd like a chart of army ranks with a line across it. Above line, ranks we hate. Below, cigar chomping badasses. #dc52

Kid flash is always so irresponsible. Why can't he ever be fast AND diligent? #dc52

Did anyone inform Static Shock that there's already a black Spider-man type guy? We've been calling him Spider-Man. #dc52

Blue Beetle's battle cry of Khaji-Kai sounds a lot like Queen Latifah's character name from the 90's hit (in my home) Living Single #dc52

If I were in Legion, my power would be getting sick of Legion Lost almost immediately #dc52

Ah, shit. Legion not lost is almost as repulsive as Legion Lost #dc52

So Hawk & Dove are gods of war, and they are inseparable, and Dove is dating Deadman somehow? But mainly they punch? #dc52

Ah, how to describe the enjoyment that is Atomic Robo.

Oh wait, there's a fantastic solution...The 2011 Atomic Robo Awards.

Winners are below. Click on images to enlarge where necessary for your inferior, biologically-constructed eyes.

Winner: Best Wordless Depiction of Badassery:



Winner: Best Discussion of Aesthetics:







Winner: Best Old-Timey Expletive:




Winner: Best Fictional Conversation with Tesla:



Runner-Up: Best Old-Timey Expletive:


Winner: Best Action Hero Line Delivered by an Astrophycisist:




Winner: Best Unwarranted Certainty:

Amazing Spider-Man Catch-Up

Continuing on the goal to read every Amazing Spider-Man in existence, I've come across some highlights.



Ah, the goddamn laundry truck strikes again! Number one escape vector of prisoners! I know this sounds crazy, but maybe it's time to start doing laundry on site. I've never murdered anyone, and I have to do my own laundry. If laundry service is part of the gig, all of a sudden prison has just gained a couple points.

What's extra great about this is that Mysterio has chosen to escape on top of the laundry bus as opposed to hiding in the laundry or something. So maybe it has less to do with prisons' notorious cleanliness and more to do with keeping better track of cars that are driving around.



Wow. You tell 'em, Spidey. No wonder I grew up with no respect for women who live on bizarre islands and have hair that can be used like arms.







This is perhaps my favorite villain setup of all time.

Kingpin asks why an object is valuable. His henchman tells him that many men have died trying to get it. Kingpin immediately responds with "In that case...it must be mine!"

Soo...at no point have we established that this object is of any value. Just that guys died trying to get it. I mean, I guess that's one indicator. But many men have died doing other shit that's of no value whatsoever. Getting to the top of Everest? That shit COSTS money.

The Kingpin's dastardly plan, in essence, is to have the mindset of a 4 year-old who hasn't learned to share.

Spider-Man Gem

Here's another $1 gem.

Can I just say, I'm certainly one to throw terms around, but at least I have the restraint to not just straight-up call multi-racial families "Skids", let alone writing it out in crazy Transformers font.


On the back page, Spider-Man explains that it's never okay to smack someone around, or to get smacked around by someone else.

I'm not judging a man who has done a lot of good for the world, but frankly I feel that for him to say that violence is never the answer is a little hypocritical. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's the proportionate hypocrisy of a spider.

Aunts and Bungles

It's been a long time since I've been this excited to read a a comic book, and that's coming from a guy who gets excited enough about the new Walking Dead trade that he has to find unhealthy ways to manage arousal in order to go into the store and buy it without becoming tumescent.

Yesterday I was buying some Amazing Spider-Man back issues from a used book store that started carrying comics. I've talked some serious shit about comic stores, but I'll give them this: For the most part, the anal shopowners, though obnoxious, have their shit together and manage to keep things in order. This place, which probably makes more money selling shot glasses with hilarious slogans and knock-off violins (who the fuck is buying those, by the way? Does that really strike you as a wise idea?) than they do old comics, so the section is a little disoirganized. After spending ten minutes looking over an issue I couldn't find on my list before realizing that it wasn't there because the Spider-Man on the cover was actually a Spider-Girl, complete with different costumes and about as much femininity as can be draped in spider webs, I found this gem:





Now, I'm certain that something like this has not passed by the comics community unnoticed . By which I mean I'm sure there are 40,000 snarky blogs about it already. But hey, this is my snarky blog, and I'll do as I please.

The story begins with our friend Galactus, devourer of worlds. He's about ready to eat an entire inhabited planet (inhabited planets being the only thing that fuels him) when the planet's residents decide to blow themselves up. So in the first couple pages, we've got an entire planet, presumably a billion people, making the decision to commit suicide rather than being devoured.

I know that sounds like boring background nonsense, but it becomes important once we get to the giant space Twinkie.

Yeah.

The blast also killed Galactus' herald, so he has to find a new one and starts heading for Earth to do just that.

Cut to planet Earth where Peter Parker and Aunt May are at the circus. Without doing the math, I would estimate that 65% of Marvel comics published in the 70's and the 80's used the circus as an element in some way. Also at the circus, conincidentally sitting right next to Mr. Parker, is the Fantastic 4, including Franklin Richards, the son of Sue and Reed Richards.

Now, why a boy who grew up with a stretch man, a rock man who could lift a barge, a man who can fly around in fire that is always burning without consuming him, and a woman who can become invisible, why a boy who grew up with that would have any appreciation for the circus is pretty much beyond me. He lives in a world where mole men attack and cosmic rays are a thing. This seems to be above and beyond the circus on every level other than the enslavement of elephants, whichcircus people treat like go karts.

Regardless, the Fantastic 4 gets a call and has to leave. Franklin wants to stay and watch the circus. Auny May, bothersome old biddy that she is, says that she would be happy to watch the boy. Sue Storm isn't apt to leave her son with a strange woman, no matter how old she may be and how tight her hair bun might be pulled. However, Spider-Man shows up and vouches for Aunt May. His identity is secret, they don't know how he could possibly know about her, and she barely hides her disdain for Spider-Man, but that's good enough. To the Pogo Plane!

Of course, just as the FF leave with Spider-Man in tow, Galactus shows up and picks Franklin Richards to be his new herald. Springing into action with surprising gymnastic aplomb, Aunt May dives in front of...the magic rays that turn someone into a Galactus herald(?) and turns into...


I have to say, I think Galactus is headed for a serious discrimination lawsuit of some kind here. Why would his herald need to be transformed into a babe in a skin-tight getup? I think if the job is flying through space and letting people know their planet is going to be eaten, it could be Danny Devito. Aerodynamics are of no concern where there is no air to dynamic.

On the plus, I'm pretty sure that I now have an explanation for Helen Mirren.


Galactus tells Golden Oldie that it's time to get her newly tightened ass in gear and find a planet that's good eating, but before she can go Franklin Richards makes a suggestion:


At first I thought this was a page added in, one of those Hostess ads they would do, one-page comics where Dr. Octopus would be foiled only by his abiding love for gas station pastries. In fact, it would be pretty awesome to recreate those ads, but instead of having them be their own comic, disguise them to look like a continuation of the comic the reader is looking at which ends with someone saying the phrase "fruity deliciousness." Sort of like how you'll read an Esquire article about the best watches and in the middle some asshole sticks in an ad for a watch that is suspiciously similar in layout and coloring to the actual article. I suspect play MOST FOUL, Esquire.

Galactus eats the Twinkie. Now, in terms of scale, this would be like me eating a Twinkie that was about the size of...hmm...a Twinkie that could fit in my pee hole, let's say, which is smaller than a Tic-Tac. I know this based on a failed Tic-Tac-based, pre-oral-sex freshening-up tactic that didn't quite work out.

Enter one of my least favorite characters: Goofy Galactus.

Okay, he has bad decision-making skills when it comes to headgear, and he is in purple, which is not a respectable male color. But he does eat inhabited planets to live, a subject which has incredible depth that has only really been explored by the animated Transformers feature film. So when you goof-itize him, it kills it for me just a little bit.

So at this point Golden Oldie is scouring the globe to find more Twinkies, enough to satisfy Galactus. Instead of going to, I don't know, a FACTORY she goes door-to-door collecting the Twinkies people have. She stops at her boyfriend's house where they have this discussion:


Alright, she's been Golden Oldie for about ten minutes at this point, and the only thing she's lost is the politeness that previously kept her from rummaging in other peoples' cupboards for snacks and the opportunity to see a clown drive an elephant in a circle. Oh, and her oldness. So I guess this comic DOES address the age-old question "Would you trade in your manners for minor rudeness in order to live forever with superpowers?"

Of course, the pee-hole-sized snacks aren't enough in any quantity, so Golden Oldie has to head into outer space in search of inhabited planets. Instead, she finds a giant space Twinkie that was created by this Doughboy/Michelin Man hybrid who was exiled from his planet because they thought his idea of putting cream inside sponge cake was insane. Which it is, however on the insanity scale I find it relatively harmless. If I can choose to give a criminal a shiv or a Wilton wand, I know which way I'll go.





Something about the Michelin Doughboy does seem a little off, though, besides the crazy eyes, and I think I figured out what it is: I can accept that you made a giant space Twinkie, but why in the name of all that is holy would you need to shrinkwrap it, and how would one even go about it?



Fortunatley, Galactus shows up, Golden Oldie hooks up the Doughboy as the new herald of Galactus (proving my point about Danny Devito as a viable candidate) and the two head off towards domestic bliss.

Oh, also, Franklin Richards absorbs Aunt May's power so that everything is back to normal.

Then we have the final page, which reads like a storyboard for the movie Inception, dreams inside dreams inside dreams.


Peter Parker wakes up and says, What a terrible nightmare. Then, an editor at Marvel wakes up from THAT dream and does the same thing. Then, the editor-in-chief wakes up from THAT dream. This continues down through Stan Lee, after which it circles back around, Galactus wakes up, and asks his hearld, Nova, to get him a warm glass of milk. Then, the readers wake up collectively in their homes and think, oh thank goodness, it was only a dream.

Yeah, thank goodness it was only a dream. It's always been a dream of mine to buy a comic book that had no grounding in reality, no sense, and that, based on the knockoff name, even the Twinkie corporation felt was a little too off-base to advertise in. A company that mixes chemicals to make phallic spongebread n' cream products felt that this comic book was too left field for them.

What did we learn?

We learned that the Twinkie is a food with the nutritional value to power not just a man, but a living manifestation of the elements themselves. We learned that even the oldest of the olds can be transformed into a hot babe with the mere application of cosmic powers and the removal of her pupils. We heard a cautionary tale about baking taken too far, a lesson that could be applied to numerous boutique cupcake shops and Food Network programming slots. We learned that some companies really SHOULD implement mandatory drug testing.

But most of all, we learned that Googling "helen mirren" with safesearch off is a great way to temper the disappointment of a crappy comic book.

We went from planetwide suicide to giant space Twinkie to very old woman in a bikini in a couple dozen pages. The Power Cosmic truly does some amazing things. Including the two worst panels I've ever seen if you take the dialogue out of context. I'll let you decide which is worse.