The Horror!

This book came across my desk this week, and holy crap is it a good flipper. I don't know that it would be a good read, although it could only be SO bad, but it's the perfect thing to look at while talking to someone on the phone and allowing your mind to drift into a world where men are eaten by caterpillars.

Some highlights?

Can I just say, I hate this conceit? Not the conceit where the newspaper is used to explain exactly what's going on. I mean, I hate that too. The newspaper never has anything relevant to real life in it. Whenever I break up with a girlfriend, it just says that some Middle Eastern country exploded into violence, not that some Middle Eastern country exploded into EMOTIONAL violence.

No, the thing I'm opposed to is a newspaper like this blowing down the street. I don't hoard too much shit, but believe me, I would hang onto a newspaper with the headline WEREWOLF STRIKES AGAIN!


What happens at 8:30 PM? I don't know. Usually not much. But it looks like this ghoul has already managed to sever someone's head and install it as the ringer inside a bell. He may be evil, but he is very industrious, which is an admirable quality.



Okay, I'm not normally a fan of athletes who wear James-Worthy-style protective eyewear, but if you're a cyclops, protective eyewear is a must, ESPECIALLY WHEN FIGHTING. You can probably kick the guy's ass, but was it worth losing your only eye?


While we're on the topic of disabilities, how much does it suck to be a skeletonized demon ghost and still be stuck in a wheelchair? Seriously, it's not like there's muscles and veins and stuff powering your arms, so why wouldn't your legs work?



Ah, yes. We all know the evil legend of Caterpillar House. If someone leads with the tagline, "Can you survive the horror of..." I almost always answer no. Demon House, Hell House, Scary Bungalow, whatever. But Caterpillar House, that amount of horror I think I could survive. Plus, if you wait long enough, Caterpillar House just turns into Butterfly Pavilion, which is not only survivable but delightful.



Can I just say that I really, REALLY miss this kind of vampire, the kind that looks like someone who would do things like, I don't know, roam the countryside looking for human blood? I mean, how come Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise were picked to be vampires instead of Mickey Rourke and Christopher from the Sopranos? Enough with the romance, body waxes, and eyebrow maintenance already.