Age of Apocalypse: Eh, Screw It

Remember this?

This was the biggest thing in X-comics during the mid-90's, no? It was all the rage, all the crossover action, and half the number of Wolverine hands. So you can imagine my excitement when I picked up the trades.

And my confusion when I finished the first one with a resounding, What the fuck is going on?

It was confusing as hell, and I figured out why.

Here is the suggested reading order from an excellent Age of Apocalypse web site:

1) X-Men: AoA One-Shot [3rd story]

02) X-Men Chronicles #1

03) X-Men Chronicles #2

04) Tales of the Age of Apocalypse #2

05) X-Man #minus 1

06) X-Man Annual '96

07) X-Men: AoA One-Shot [2nd story]

08) Tales of the Age of Apocalypse #1

09) X-Men: AoA One-Shot [1st story]

10) Blink #1

11) Blink #2

12) Blink #3

13) Blink #4

Here is the reading order of this first trade paperback, near as I can figure it:

1. X-Men Chronicles #1

2. Tales of the Age of Apocalypse #2

3. Tales of the Age of Apocalypse #1

4. X-Men Chronicles #2

5. X-Man -1

6. X-Man Annual ‘96

7. Blink #1

8. Blink #2

9. Blink #3

10. Blink #4

So, if we add the two pieces of data together, the reading order I was presented with, expressed numerically, is as follows:

2, 4, 8, 3, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13

The only issues remotely in order are the last four, and even those apparently exist outside the normal timeline. Here is the summary of those four from the aforementioned web site:

Blink’s own four issue limited series takes her amnesiac into the Negative Zone, from which she later returns after encountering Blaastar and Annihilus. The last three pages of issue #4 flash forward to the end of the Age of Apocalypse and show Blink getting teleported away from the timeline shortly before it was apparently destroyed.

So we've got a character I know nothing about, in the Negative zone, which would be an awesome name for a comic critique blog, by the way, where who knows what the hell is going on, and then a flash forward to the end of the Age of Apocalypse. If I may repeat that, a flash forward to the end of a 4-tbp series that I am currently in the first fourth of.

I know things were pretty chaotic, what with Apocalypse taking over the world and culling all non-mutants. But could we at least get the story in some kind of order? I mean, this shit is all mixed up anyway, so why not mix it up in a logical fashion?

Not to make things worse, but in looking up another summary, here's what I discovered happened "before" (pre in terms of timeline, possible post in terms of in-story revelation) the first issue I read:

The Age of Apocalypse came about as a result of a mistake made by Legion, the time travelling son of Xavier. Legion, suffering from feelings of abandonment and his bouts with schizophrenia, decided that if Magneto had not existed, Charles Xavier would have had more time for his son. To rectify this problem in his life, Legion went back in time 20 years to kill Erik Magnus Lensherr before he became Magneto. He accidentally took four X-Men back in time with him: Storm, Iceman, Psylocke and Bishop.

The trip through time temporarily wiped the memories of Legion and the X-Men, but eventually Legion remembered the reason for his presence there. He attacked Lensherr and Xavier, since Charles was standing right there at the time. Cable sent his mind back in time and was able to warn/remind Bishop of what Legion was about to do. Bishop, Storm, Psylocke and Iceman quickly move to help Lensherr and Xavier fight Legion, but they are not strong enough. Just as Legion was about to kill Lensherr with a Psi-Bolt, Xavier threw himself between them, and died. Since Xavier was Legion's father, Legion ceased to exist. The X-Men that were products of Xavier's training (Storm, Psylocke and Iceman) also cease to exist. The only ones left are Bishop, who wanders off, and Erik Lensherr, whose confused and shocked mind can only comprehend the fact that his best friend died to save him from a murderous mutant with awesome powers. The death of Xavier in the past rewrote history; since Xavier was not there to oppose him, Apocalypse was able to take control of the world.

At that point we arrive on the doorstep of what was generously called Issue 1.

Does this story exist in normal continuity? Honestly, I have no fucking idea. It all happened on an alternate Earth, and the events had very few effects on the Earth as we know it, although apparently Bishop absorbed some of his alternate-self memories and Genosha somehow learned...you know what? I don't give a fuck about accuracy here. The answer in a nutsack, is No.

As a reader of trades almost exclusively, this brings up the big problem with crossovers, as I see it. Most companies are unwilling to publish the entirety of a story in one sane, rational, logical, complete-ist volume. And sorry, but I'm not going to buy a Deadpool trade just to see what the hell he was up to during the Marvel Crossover Fuckfest 2011. I don't care about that character, and if he's only going to be preipherally involved, just leave him out. I don't need him.

Here's what I'm thinking, guys.

Instead of crossing everything over, essentially destroying the integrity of the storyline to jam everything together into one big story that is impossible to read because humans can't read three books simultaneously, how about you do your crossover series as an entirely separate series? You can have your Civil War and have Captain America eat it (a bullet) too. You can have a title called X-Men: Age of Apocalypse, and then use that to tell whatever insane nonsense you want in an order that doesn't require an advanced degree in quantum mechanics to derive.

And what about the assholes who say things like, "How can the Thing be fighting the Hulk in January's World War Hulk while also being on Saturn with the Fantastic Four?" Oh, it's simple. They can find their peace by going and fucking themselves because to assume that all issues printed at the same time contain events occurring at the same time is a leap of faith so big that only Stilt Man could step over the gap. Or possibly any character with any sort of power or ability or high school track experience. *ahem*

Based on the amount of buzz at the time and the still-fervent fans online, it's clear that Age of Apocalypse was something special. But the form I find it in now is so unpalatable. It's like wedding cake left in the freezer for the first anniversary. We're all a little older, the initial excitement has ended, and rearranging the molecules has affected the whole in a way that makes me want to sign divorce papers so badly that I'm literally tasting it.