Characters That Show Up in DC Comics That Make Me Say "Fuck.."

1. Metron
I don't really know who this asshole is, I don't really understand what a mother box does, and I can never remember if Big Barda is good or bad at any given time. All I know is that this asshole sits around in a chair, and whenever he shows up you better be ready for a time travel or interdimensional situation that is difficult to solve and always solved so completely that it is as though it never happened.
Whenever this guy shows up you know that someone's headed somewhere you don't give a fuck about.

2. Mr. MXKLDJSKD
I'm not typing his name as spelled because that is almost as much of a waste of time as writing a regular blog about comics.
This guy is so fucking annoying. Limitless power, and all that really stops him is saying his name backwards. Okay, how hard is it to not say your name backwards? I have not once said my name backwards, and that's with the knowledge that doing so will not send me into another dimension. What I'm saying is that I've never done it by chance, and that's considering the fact that I'm not actively trying to avoid it.
And Mr. M is god, for all intents and purposes. He can do anything. So why would you have Superman fight god? Leave that to the Savage Dragon.

3. Bizarro
Fuck Bizarro. The idea of a confused dolt with Superman's powers is good, but Bizarro is so obnoxious. Badbye, Superman. Superman am not worst hero. What the hell does that mean?
I'm not a grammar Nazi, but let me just examine something. Here's a Bizarro sentence pulled from the text:
"Then you not know what we must never do."
Sigh...so what they're going for here is
"Then you know what we must do.
But wouldn't the opposite be
"Then you know what we musn't always do?"
How come some shit is opposite and some isn't? Isn't Badhello the true opposite of Goodbye as opposed to Badbye? Or maybe it's even Hellobad. It's infuriating, and my recommendation is to skip every dialogue balloon that comes out of this motherfucker's mouth. Or better yet, skip every comic with his dumb fucking face on the cover.

4. Etrigan
Like Bizarro, could be alright, but the whole talking in rhymes thing gets really old, really fast. According to lore, demons at a certain level of demonness (who knew hell had an org chart?) talk in rhymes. Now that's frightenint, huh? Sort of like that one movie where Jason spoke only in limerick.
Can we get this guy graduated to non-rhyming demon level already? Or busted back down a notch? It's annoying, and anyone can do it.
Hey there Batman
I'm you're biggest fan
Let's punch these guys' heads
and take their street cred.

Okay?

5. Krypto
Every hero has some sort of regrettable sidekick. Sometimes it's a boy in short pants, sometimes it's a lesser hero, sometimes it's a boy in tights. But Superman has a dog.
What's really weird is that, as dogs go, Krypto is kind of an asshole. You know how you have that one friend, and his dog is a total dick but nobody wants to say anything? That's Krypto, man. He's unpleasant, and also he can bite you into a million pieces and what are they going to do? Put him in Space Pound?
Look, I don't find Garfield entertaining. And he's a pet who also think/talks, so I don't think Krypto is ever going to crack his way off this list.

6. Black Racer

Talk about your shitty incarnations of death. A black man in primary color knight's armor on skis. I feel chills. Only from the notebooks of Edgar Allen Poe could such terror arise.

What does he do with those ski poles, use them as scythes? Or are they just to help him corner tighter?

Any way you slice it, I can't get behind this dude.

Outsiders, not the Pony Boy Kind

This week is all about comics by people who aren't typically in the comics game. If this were the early 90's I would be reviewing rap albums by people outside of rap. Shaq "Diesel" for example, is not super entertaining. I would probably rather play Shaq Fu than listen to Shaq "Diesel" if that tells you anything.

Anyway, let's take a look at what happens when people spread their wings a little bit.

The Night Bookmobile by Audrey Niffenegger

You might recognize this author from her work on that book which later became a motion picture about a man who falls in love with his wife when she's a little girl. The Pedophile's Time Machine or something like that.

The story is about a lady who comes across a bookmobile a couple times throughout her life, and inside the bookmobile is every book she's ever read. Kind of a book nerd fantasy.

And that's about it. This thing clocks in at a weak 40 pages, so what do you expect? Some other stuff happens, but this is a review, not a summary.

What's really obnoxious is crap like the panels on the left. Read them. I'll wait.

See how it's broken up with no rhyme or reason? It's like a poem with random line breaks just shoved in wherever. It makes the rhythm really stumbly, and I hate it like poison. And the drawings remind me of those creepy PBS shows where it was some English guy narrating to stills, like a cartoon without animation. I hate that shit.

This is what happens when you have no editing. You make a so-so story that is overshadowed by strange art, bizarre format decisions, and no real audience. Who is this for? This isn't going to attract people who read comics, like me, and it's not a strong example of the format that's going to draw outside readers either. The thing reads much more like a picture book than a comic. I'm all for genre-bending. I think. Are "Male" and "Female" genres of people? If so, I am ALL for genre-bending. But it has to be done with purpose, and with the knowledge that you're trying to pull something off.

Batman: Cacophony

This is the first of a couple collaborative projects between Kevin Smith and longtime buddy Walt Flanagan.

Smith spends the first part of the intro mentioning the elephant in the room, the fact that he gave his best buddy a gig drawing Batman. It's a smart move because I'm sure it was what a lot of people were thinking. A less smart move was then telling readers that Cacophony was really a warm-up for their best Batman story, Widening Gyre. It's okay to like one of your works better than the other, but couldn't you have mentioned it in the intro to Gyre instead of the comic I'm holding in my hand? It's kind of fucked up to buy a product and then immediately be told it's an inferior specimen. Maybe it can be an afterword? I just wish I'd known that ahead of time because I would have waited on Gyre instead. Holding it in my hands, I felt like I was going to see a concert and the band said, "We're going to be good tonight, but tomorrow's show is going to be amazing."

Anyway, this is more to discuss Flanagan because Smith is not really a newcomer to comics.

First things first, it should be pointed out that Kevin Smith didn't just hand over Batman to his buddy. Flanagan has illustrated comics before, so it wasn't his first rodeo. They were indie books, but it's not quite the same thing as approaching a friend with no illustrating power and asking them to draw the fucking Dark Knight. I'd like to think that John Byrne and I have gotten very close over the years. We have lots of agreements on haircare for Hispanic women. But if he asked me to illustrate a new run of X-Men...well, I would cash the check, get some tracing paper, and screw everyone out of money hard. This would be a good time to remind everyone that I am not a good example of human morality.

The color schemes and layouts have a very retro, 1980's feel to them. Like the 80's, but not like something printed on paper recycled from old Happy Meal bags. Can you believe those assholes used to make a box and then switched to a bag? There is no such thing as a Happy Meal served in a goddamn bag, if you ask me.

It must be tough to illustrate a Kevin Smith story, just like it must be hard to shoot a Kevin Smith movie because the dialogue is heavier than the action. If you look at this panel, there's not a whole lot going on action-wise, but the art definitely keeps things moving along.

Honestly, I like Flanagan's Batman. His lower jaw is way more expressive than you see from a lazy artist. I know that sounds picky, but when you're drawing a guy with most of his face covered you don't have a lot to work with. If you look through the comic you'll see that the artist is working to get the most expression he can out of a chin, lips, and teeth. The body shape is pretty decent as well. Not too ripped, not too dumpy*. I'm a fan of cartoony drawing like Ed McGuinness, but I can live with the realistic stuff too.

I'd say the art isn't setting the world on fire or anything. Some of the action was a little rough, but the overall effect was good, and I don't think I would have given it a second thought had I not known that Flanagan and Smith were buddies, which is a weird way of complimenting someone, but so be it.

Flanagan is coming at the job as Smith's buddy, but also as a fan who knows a thing or two about layouts, design, and the difference between drawing Batman and drawing Batman comics. The real test of whether someone succeeded as a writer or an artist is whether you would read something by them again. And yes, I'd read another book he illustrated.

Wonder Woman by Jodi Picoult

Jodi Picoult, author of books such as My Sister's Keeper took the helm over at Wonder Woman. What separates this from the other titles on this list is the fact that they sort of just threw her into the middle of the run, so she had to pick up where someone else left off and leave off for someone else to pick up. On the plus, I can see the utility of giving an inexperienced comics writer somewhere to jump off from. If you didn't know much about Wonder Woman or comics in general, having a blank canvas dumped in your lap would be tough. On the other hand, having someone jump in the regular stream gives them quite the opportunity to dump on the canvas rather than having it dumped on them.

In the intro, the most memorable part was Picoult saying that DC denied her request to change Wonder Woman's costume because, as she put it, "Any woman knows it's impossible to fight in a bustier."

Any woman knows that? How? How many bustier fights does the average woman get in, and what is the URL for these? I'm with you, Jodi, and intend to do a full-scale experiment in the lab and get back to you.

It's a common thread, especially amongst critiques of lady superheroes. It might be true. Although I think it unnecessarily becomes a sort of attack against the "boys club" of comics. Yeah, it would be hard to fight in a bustier. But it would also be hard to fight in a cape, heavy bulletproof shit, or, I don't know, suit made entirely out of metal. And I can guarantee you that no man would wear briefs outside of his pants as a crime-fighting technique. The point being, let's not go changing a recognizable, iconic look for four issues of comics because you feel it's unrealistic. You know what else is unrealistic? A lasso that forces people to tell the truth. If someone told me that they saw two things, one of them being a woman fighting in a bustier and the other being a magic glowing rope that was placed around someone and forced them to tell the truth, I think one of those would be just a bit harder to believe.

Anyway, christ. The story was pretty meh. Though I don't know if she's really to blame for that because most of what was laid out was already there, and she left the goddamn thing on a cliffhanger, so she didn't even write a complete arc.

I would, however, like to nominate her for worst writing of Batman dialogue ever.

World's Greatest Detective indeed.

It's like on one shoulder I have Frank Miller telling me to be the Dark Knight. And on the other shoulder I have Joel Scuhmacher telling me that the Batsuit could use a little more glitter.

And do my eyes deceive me here or are we witnessing a Wolverine/Colossus Fastball Special? It sure looks like it. Although maybe not. Because the idea of the original was that Colossus, who was strong but couldn't fly, would throw Wolverine, who also could not fly but could fight, somewhere they couldn't reach. This version has someone who can fly and better fight throwing someone who can't fly or fight. I suppose that throwing live humans at your enemies is one way to slow them down, but it doesn't seem all that efficient.

Picoult also mentioned in her intro how she really wanted to leave her arc in a big cliffhanger. What a nice thing to do to the writer that follows you, leaving Wonder Woman moments from dying at her mother's hand. The next writer was so grateful that he completely ignored it and Wonder Woman isn't even in the same goddamn room as her mother in the next book's opening. Thanks to both of you for that one.

The arc didn't really do anything for me. Picoult did a few things that would probably be cute to non-readers of comics, such as showing Wonder Woman having trouble adjusting to normal life and having a horny sidekick. Unfortunately, she did them smack in the middle of comics. Why would Wonder Woman be in disguise as a government agent? The problem with comics outsiders writing comics is that they don't have a very good radar for what is and what isn't original. I don't put huge stake in originality, but combining a oddball love connection, mistrust of big-G Government, and a character undercover, you aren't really giving me a lot to bite into and make me excited for your next project.

JLA: Tornado's Path

This started out pretty great. You've got Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman in the Batcave going through pictures of DC heroes and deciding who is ready to be in the newest incarnation of the Justice League. A lot of times it feels like writers try to have a team come together by accident. An insane giant hamster attacks and the combined powers of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, a Flash, a Green Lantern, Aquaman when he's alive, and weird superheroes 1 & 2 make the perfect combo, which they then decide to continue. So the idea of a consciously created team was worth a few pages. Jesus, the Dallas Cowboys sped a little time consciously picking team members, so you would think that a team charged with protecting the universe could spare an afternoon.

You also get a little about the Red Tornado, aka DC's Vision. He's a man inside a robot body, and even when the body is destroyed he sort of magically comes back to life whenever his body is reassembled. But then he gets the opportunity to be put in a real body. Keep in mind that he does have human emotions, just not the same physical sensations.

For some reason people in comics always do this. They say, I'm powerful and immortal, but I think I would like to trade that all to be able to taste hot dogs. Okay, some human sensation is awesome, but a lot of it is overrated and a hearty portion is downright unpleasant. It's a tough call in an all or nothing situation, but maybe just stick with what you've got.

So he switches into a human body and we get a few pages of, "Even my wife's farts smell good to me because this is my first time smelling things." Great. Also, he still has his tornado powers, which makes no sense.

Then it turns out that it was all an evil plot to recreate Amazo...you know what, that doesn't matter. Some bad dudes tricked him into going into a human body, almost kill him, and then fail and things basically go back to normal.

The whole point of the story was that Red Tornado traded his immortality for a taste of human life...except then he didn't. Kind of a Fuck You to readers. You set up this whole situation, but then he gets to have his human body and eat with it too.

Started strong, ended weak.

Umbrella Academy by Gerard Way

You probably know Gerard Way as the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. What you may not know is that before he made his run at side-part fame, he graduated from the School of Visual Arts in New York City with the goal of creating comics.

Even so, when I heard he was coming out with his own comics I was ready to hate them. What the hell does he know? Isn't he just cashing in on his weird fan kids, expanding into another medium for no reason other than he can? The whole thing stank of a board meeting where a bunch of old assholes were trying to decide what's popular and than somehow jamming that into 20-some pages of panels. (See: Avril Lavigne's Make 5 Wishes)

How did he do?

Pretty damn good, to be honest. It's hard to say too much about it without talking plot spoilers, but it's got real comics appeal with a good cast of characters, interesting enough storyline, and writing that trusts the reader to follow along without being needlessly convoluded. The closest comparison I can make is maybe that it's like a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen that hasn't resorted to solving all its problems with ass rape.

Another point of interest is that Way originally wrote and drew the entire thing himself, but then Gabriel Ba was brought on board, recreating the original drawings in his style. This is a good lesson for Audrey Niffenegger, I think. Certainly Way was capable, but he made his product better by turning the reigns over to someone else.

The thing to take away from Umbrella Academy and the uniting thread seen here, is that people who come into comics with an interest in comics flourish while those who come at it as just another form of what they're already doing flounder. So if you're thinking about hiring a celebrity to guest on your funny books, take a moment to consider someone who knows what they're doing. Believe me, the novelty of a writer from outside the comics world wears off real quick.

*

Superman: Last Son, Wrath of Gog, Brand New Day, and the Rise of Dumpy Spider-Man

Let me just start by saying that Blogger has the most annoying method of importing pictures of all time. If any nerds are out there that might be able to simplify this for me, I think you're totally right and that if you and that really hot babe had just spent a couple afternoons alone together she would have seen how special you are and dated you. Now help me with these pictures.

Here's the pile from this weekend:

Superman: Last Son.

So this is the return of General Zod and those weirdos who follow him around in the Phantom Zone(?) Negative zone? I can never remember which is which. It probably doesn't matter. No kind of zone is good to be in if you're an adult, whether it be Phantom, Negative, or Discovery.

So a shitload of prisoners from Krypton are all trapped in this zone, but then they get free and start attacking earth. Luckily, Lex Luthor and Parasite and a couple other assholes are there to help Superman.

This brings up that annoying thing they deal with in comics a lot. How is it that Lex Luthor can put down a couple dozen Kryptonians, but not one Superman over a period of 60 years? It doesn't really make sense.

But rather than harp on that, I would like to take this moment to point out that I have had what some people would call "sex" before.

Superman: Wrath of Gog

The thing that surprised me is that Gog wasn't interesting at all. Okay, that wasn't a surprise. Some guy in a horn hat? Give me a break.

The surprise came that Lana Lang, long time Betty to Lois Lane's Veronica, bascially professed her undying love for Superman, but couched it in a way that made sense. She admitted she was into him, but also said she never does anything inappropriate or makes any moves on him or anything like that. She was kind of like me with every girl I knew as a friend. The word "friend" in high school had a different definition to me: Girl I would orbit until such time that I might be able to date her or was shut down with no possibility of comeback.

That Betty/Veronica is a classic thing, but I never really got it. They appear to be the same woman with different colors of hair. What the hell is the difference? Somehow I feel that Veronica is sluttier, but I don't know how I would have gotten that impression having never read an Archie comic. Probably from my bad childhood and experiences with women which have forever colored my opinions of the opposite sex, colored them dark black.

Spider-Man: Back in Black

So the Kingpin hires some dude to kill Aunt May because everyone knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Then Spider-Man goes apeshit, which was great. There's something very satisfying about the Kingpin getting a beatdown.

Spider-Man puts on the black costume again. He says he put it away before because it sent the wrong message. I don't always have my comic book facts straight, but I thought he put it away because the black costume was an alien that was eating his brain. Maybe that was the wrong message? That a suit that eats your brain is cool?

Anyway, he beats the shit out of the Kingpin, which was cool, but then the story devolves into some bizarre shit with an Uncle Ben from the future who killed some bum and then turns out to not really be Uncle Ben but get his just desserts thanks to a helmet left behind by the Spider-Man of 2211. Which is lucky because solving this insane puzzle is key to saving Sandman's dad from getting the chair, for some reason.

I don't have much to say about it. The first half was great, and the second half, well, it made me feel like the coming reboot might be necessary. Uncle Ben from the future? C'mon. And if Spider-Man of 2211 has a magic helmet that can teleport and shit, why wouldn't he have just done that right away? He might be two-hundred years more advanced, but he's also two-hundred years more of an asshole.

Spider-Man: One More Day

Okay, for those who don't know...I don't know why you're even following this. But real quick: Spider-Man's precious Aunt May has been shot. She will die. But then the devil offers Spider-Man and his wife Mary Jane a deal: He will basically reboot time so that May is fine and Spider-Man's identity is again a secret, but the cost is that Peter and Mary Jane's relationship will be completely dissolved. They will have no memory of this relationship, but they will feel a distinct sense of loss.

That devil is a real asshole, huh?

This reboot has gotten heat, and I can see why. It's kind of dumb. Once you start making deals with the devil, what's the point of anything? Death has never had a lot of meaning in the world of comics, but when you can bargain with the devil the game changes quite a bit. Why wouldn't the devil bargain with the Kingpin to help him make Daredevil's life miserable? Or for hair? It kind of fucks with the system.

Also, Aunt May just needs to die. Seriously, enough already. She's like 400.

On the other hand, they had to do something. When Peter Parker unmasked himself to the entire Marvel Universe, part of the fun was wondering how they were going to write themselves out of this one.

I like the idea of setting up the storyline to be something fresh. That makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is writing out of it by bringing in the devil. Joe Q, Editor-in-Chief over at Marvel, said, "It's very easy to unmarry a character or fix something...you just do a huge universal retcon, and say a few events in history didn't happen. But that's really not the way we do it here at Marvel."

Oh really!? That quote sent my nerd siren off harder than a girl telling me she's really good at video games. (Sorry, ladies. Please see above. Send the angry emails to my father.)

What about the Ultimate line? Marvel Knights? How many X-Men reboots have there been? Writing yourself out is an option, but when we get it we still have four or five shitty issues to plow through that serve only the purpose of hitting the reset button. It would be like playing a video game and every time you wanted to reset you first had to play a really shitty bonus level.

I've never been a big continuity guy. One of my favorite old series was Untold Tales of Spider-Man which is exactly what it sounded like. The series stood on its own, and you didn't have fifty years of backlog to contend with, so the basic concept of Spider-Man was there but without all the baggage. Perfect for the casual comics reader who just wants to take a dump and read about some guy in a web costume.

So, did the Brand New Day idea work? Yes and No.

Yes, I like the place it took us to. I like J. Jonah Jameson having the Bugle sold out from under him. That's one of the more entertaining and realistic Bugle side stories we've had in a while. Yes, there is an appeal to a Spider-Man who can't afford to whip up a batch of webbing for a couple weeks. Overall, yes, I like where we were at the end of One More Day and going into Brand New Day.

But the No, the big No, is how we got there.

One More Day was the end of J. Michael Stracysinski's run on Spider-Man. It was a good run. The stories were definitely out there, but I think he was less afraid of pushing those buttons than a lot of other writers. He was more concerned with writing something good this month than what it meant for the stories from 1986, so I can respect that. He tried some shit, and some of it worked. That's good enough.

Oh, and dumpy Spider-Man was pretty much the best part of the entire weekend.

Anyway, that's about all for this week. Tune in next week when I'll have another batch, plus a special feature on writers and artists who came to comics from other professions.

Until then, enjoy Dumpy Spider-Man.